TOP TEN: Christmas Films

There are too many films about Christmas. Moreover, the majority are so overstuffed with happy time notions about human decency and spiritual enlightenment that they make you want to pour whiskey all over a pile of mince pies, pigs in blankets and quality street toffee pennies before shovelling it down and slipping into a coma. Very few movies warrant a yearly yuletide viewing, but the 10 presented to you here just about manage it. Try to rein (deer) in your excitement as you enjoy the festive film fun.

10. Jingle All The Way (1996)- From director/producer Brian Levant, who brought to you such classics as Scooby Doo! Curse of the Lake Monster, comes this hilarious and frantic Christmas extravaganza. Watch Arnold Schwarzenegger sprint/drive/jetpack all over town as he tries to track down a coveted Turbo Man action figure for his son, which will supposedly make up for years of absenteeism and emotional neglect.

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Arnie’s performance really grabs you by the balls.That was pit-iful, can we let it slide please?

 

9. Filth (2013)- James McAvoy claims to have put away half a bottle of Famous Grouse each night to perfect the appearance of scumbag Bruce Robertson on set,  which is roughly how much alcohol you  need to get over the emotional trauma Filth inflicts. A brilliant film, but decidedly not in the ‘fun for all the family’ category.

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The Edinburgh Police’s office Christmas Party has more drugs than your office Christmas party.

8. Brazil (1985)- Terry Gilliam’s magical dystopian masterpiece could pretty much slot into any Top Ten list. His depiction of how an Orwellian society might celebrate Christmas emphasises what a corporate façade the religious festival has become.

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7. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)– Long buried beneath the Korvavunturi mountains, Santa is finally unleashed by some unwary Finnish locals. He hasn’t had a mince pie in some time, and Rudolph is nosewhere to be seen. You’d better watch out…In Rare Exports, Father Christmas is more slay than sleigh.

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Gollum is a mess. Losing the ring is one thing, but he simply can’t be doing without his shaving razor.

6. Trading Places (1983) – A brilliant Christmas tragi-comedy from gleeful directing legend and all round top guy Jon Landis, Trading Places deals with some of the big topics: Capitalism, greed, prostitution, nature vs nurture, racism, alcoholism and more. It also features some of Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd’s finest work- and be sure to look out for Breaking Bad’s Gustavo Fring as Cell Mate #2.

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5. Scrooged  (1998) – Incredibly cheesy and often sinking to depraved lows in order to trigger the required sentiments of guilt or sympathy , Scrooged remains a fun New York based retelling of ‘A Christmas Carol’. Bill Murray is on top form, dick(ens)ing around as that Eben something geezer.

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  Never play ‘rock, paper,scissors’ with supernatural beings. Bill knows. 

4. Elf (2003)- Take a leaf out of Buddy’s nutritional  book this year and skip the traditional Turkey and veg. Here are some elf approved alternatives: Spaghetti doused in maple syrup, candy corn salad, and deep fried bacon-wrapped candy canes. Wash it down with a 2 Litre Coke or an Irish Coffee (with extra whiskey).

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3. Die Hard 2 (1990)- The usual airport Christmas chaos is exacerbated when some highly organised terrorists start a snow fight. Except instead of snow they throw bullets…From guns. John McClane (Willis) has to go through a lot of pain to ensure the safe landing of his wife’s plane.

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2. In Bruges (2008) – Bruges is not somewhere you want to end up at Christmas time. In Bruges, however, is an uproarious dark comedy thrill ride and perfect viewing for your post-dinner sofa crashout. Remember, Christmas is primarily a time of sharing, so be sure to buy an inanimate fuc***g object for all your loved ones.

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1. Die Hard (1988)-Every action film since 1988 has tried to copy  Die Hard’s recipe – guns, terrorists, explosions, air vents and a generous sprinkling of puns –  but none have ever topped it. Except maybe Cliffhanger, but that isn’t a Christmas film and hence isn’t number one on the list.

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‘Yippie-Kie-Sleigh, Motherfu***r’ 

Have a good Christmas everyone! Drink. Eat. Laugh. Read the books you were given as you sit on the toilet for three hours.

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