The 2014 British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTA) awards have just concluded, much to the joy of the winners…and the relief of the facial and wrist muscles of the people at the front that had to relentlessly clap and grin and be attractive for three hours straight. Most of the awards gravitated towards Gravity, but thankfully 12 Years A Slave was paid its dues too.
Stephen Fry was the host, and to the shock of all, he’d kept his beard (apparently there was a Twitter ‘thing’ about predicting his facial hair choices) As ever, he was on ebullient and eloquent form, like Tom Bombadil wearing a Tuxedo. Fry doesn’t shy away from cracking the cheap-shot whip when hosting shows or ceremonies, and he gave out some jolly good lashings this evening – the homoerotic, gallophobic banter flowed beautifully.
Insult of the night: ‘If you’re going to get a writing award, you might at least be able to speak.’
Beard of the night: Tom Hardy’s, though Bale, Fassbender and Ejiofor were damn close.
Now then Britons, on with the British film awards taking place in Britain for British people.
12 Years a Slave
Winner: 12 YEARS A SLAVE – Fully deserved, and fully appreciated. There could be no other.
OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom
Saving Mr Banks
The Selfish Giant
Winner: GRAVITY – The winner, and most of the nominees, are British only in that they were partially filmed here. Sure, take advantage of our world class production companies, locations and tax incentives why don’t you? We’ll even give you a special award for it! Bloody Hollywood-ers, coming over here and creating more jobs.
OUTSTANDING DEBUT BY A BRITISH WRITER, DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER
Colin Carberry, Glenn Patterson for Good Vibrations
Kelly Marcel for Saving Mr Banks
Kieran Evans for Kelly + Victor
Paul Wright, Polly Stokes for For Those in Peril
Scott Graham for Shell
Winner: KIERAN EVANS FOR KELLY + VICTOR
FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
The Act Of Killing
Blue Is The Warmest Colour
The Great Beauty
Winner: THE GREAT BEAUTY – The Hunt, starring Mads Mikkelson, was shamefully excluded from this category, for reasons that two Google searches cannot unearth.
The Act Of Killing
The Armstrong Lie
We Steal Secrets: The Story Of Wikileaks
Winner: THE ACT OF KILLING – If We Steal Secrets won, it would have been Wik-ed! Apologies.
Despicable Me 2
Steve McQueen for 12 Years A Slave
David O. Russell for American Hustle
Paul Greengrass for Captain Phillips
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity
Martin Scorsese for The Wolf Of Wall Street
Winner: ALFONSO CUARÓN, GRAVITY – Probably well deserved, but Steve McQueen has had three homeruns on the trot (Hunger, Shame, 12 Years A Slave) so it would have been nice.
American Hustle, Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell
Blue Jasmine, Woody Allen
Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón
Inside Llewyn Davis, Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Nebraska, Bob Nelson
Winner: AMERICAN HUSTLE, ERIC WARREN SINGER, DAVID O. RUSSELL
12 Years A Slave, John Ridley
Behind The Candelabra, Richard LaGravenese
Captain Phillips, Billy Ray
Philomena, Steve Coogan, Jeff Pope
The Wolf Of Wall Street, Terence Winter
Winner: PHILOMENA, STEVE COOGAN, JEFF POPE – Filth didn’t get any nominations, which is obviously a disgrace to the voting board, but if it deserved any award (other than Leading Actor for James McAvoy) then it should have been the screenplay adaptation from Irvine Welsh’s nauseatingly formatted novel.
Bruce Dern, Nebraska
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave
Christian Bale, American Hustle
Leonardo Dicaprio, The Wolf Of Wall Street
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips
Winner: CHIWETEL EJIOFOR, 12 YEARS A SLAVE – Yes. Yes. Yes.
Amy Adams, American Hustle
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Emma Thompson, Saving Mr. Banks
Judi Dench, Philomena
Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Winner: CATE BLANCHETT, BLUE JASMINE
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Daniel Brühl, Rush
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Winner: BARKHAD ABDI, CAPTAIN PHILLIPS – He is the captain now!
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Julia Roberts, August: Osage County
Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave
Oprah Winfrey, The Butler
Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine
Winner: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, AMERICAN HUSTLE – Without saying that Jennifer Lawrence didn’t deserve the award, Lupita Nyong’o deserved the award. There’s still the Oscars.
12 Years A Slave, Hans Zimmer
The Book Thief, John Williams
Captain Phillips, Henry Jackman
Gravity, Steven Price
Saving Mr Banks, Thomas Newman
Winner: GRAVITY, STEVEN PRICE
12 Years A Slave, Sean Bobbitt
Captain Phillips, Barry Ackroyd
Gravity, Emmanuel Lubezki
Inside Llewyn Davis, Bruno Delbonnel
Nebraska, Phedon Papamichael
Winner: GRAVITY, EMMANUEL LUBEZKI
12 Years A Slave, Joe Walker
Captain Phillips, Christopher Rouse
Gravity Alfonso Cuarón, Mark Sanger
Rush, Dan Hanley, Mike Hill
The Wolf Of Wall Street, Thelma Schoonmaker
Winner: RUSH, DAN HANLEY, MIKE HILL
12 Years A Slave, Adam Stockhausen, Alice Baker
American Hustle, Judy Becker, Heather Loeffler
Behind The Candelabra, Howard Cummings
Gravity, Andy Nicholson, Rosie Goodwin, Joanne Woodlard
The Great Gatsby, Catherine Martin, Beverley Dunn
Winner: THE GREAT GATSBY, CATHERINE MARTIN, BEVERLEY DUNN
American Hustle, Michael Wilkinson
Behind The Candelabra, Ellen Mirojnick
The Great Gatsby, Catherine Martin
The Invisible Woman, Michael O’connor
Saving Mr Banks, Daniel Orlandi
Winner: THE GREAT GATSBY, CATHERINE MARTIN
MAKE UP & HAIR
American Hustle, Evelyne Noraz, Lori Mccoy-Bell
Behind The Candelabra, Kate Biscoe, Marie Larkin
The Butler, Debra Denson, Beverly Jo Pryor, Candace Neal
The Great Gatsby, Maurizio Silvi, Kerry Warn
The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug, Peter Swords King, Richard Taylor, Rick Findlater
Winner: AMERICAN HUSTLE – Did you know?… all the hair used on set was shaved off Christian Bale’s chest over a seven year period. Now that’s method. Ironically, this category was presented by Alec BALDwin. Joking, it was Kristen Wiig (it wasn’t).
All Is Lost, Richard Hymns et al
Captain Phillips, Chris Burdon et al
Gravity, Glenn Freemantle et al
Inside Llewyn Davis, Peter F. Kurland, Skip Lievsay, Greg Orloff
Rush, Danny Hambrook et al
Winner: GRAVITY, GLENN FREEMANTLE ET AL
SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS
Gravity, Tim Webber et al
The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug , Joe Letteri et al
Iron Man 3, Bryan Gill et al
Pacific Rim, Hal Hickel et al
Star Trek Into Darkness, Ben Grossmann et al
Winner: GRAVITY, TIM WEBBER ET AL – ‘et al’ has been used to save space listing all those names, apologies to all those unaccredited who won’t be reading this…This especially applies to the Smaug crew; couldn’t include that list of people, it would really drag-on…
BRITISH SHORT ANIMATION
Everything I Can See From Here
I Am Tom Moody
Sleeping With The Fishes
Winner: SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES
BRITISH SHORT FILM
Keeping Up With The Joneses
Orbit Ever After
Winner: ROOM 8 – Sea View should have won. Did you see Sea View? We viewed Sea View at the VUE (shore).
THE EE RISING STAR AWARD (voted for by the public)
Winner: WILL POULTER – Insider info: Will Poulter is an avid Arsenal supporter, and he used to drink at the North Pole pub in Acton, until it got shut down. Movie Quibble lives in North London and goes to lots of pubs, so this is firsthand knowledge.
OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO BRITISH CINEMA
Automatic Winner: PETER GREENAWAY
Automatic Winner: HELEN MIRREN
So here we are, at the end of all things, thoroughly exhausted and a little bit bored. Just remember, while you sleep and prepare for another week of work, all the awesome, attractive, designer-clothed celebrities are off getting smashed on expensive alcohol that they aren’t even paying for, so, y’know, joke’s on them. Night.