Top Five: St Patrick’s Day Snake-Killing Special

So it’s St Patrick’s Day, and you’re gearing up for a night of Jameson swilling and jello-shot slamming. Unless of course you’re not, in which case you must be positively GREEN with envy… get (cl)over it, mate. St Patrick didn’t actually exist is believed to have killed or at least chased off every serpent in the Irish isles armed with just a bible, a hip flask of holy water and his trusty staff. In remambarance, here is list of the top five snakes to have snuffed it in the movies.

5. Apocalypto (2006) – As Jaguar Paw makes good his escape, his pursuers are waylaid by a particularly venomous snake of the you’re-bit-and-dead-in-10-minutes-variety. They manage to kill it, but it gets one of them right back. The victim’s pals soon piss off and leave him to slit his wrists – don’t worry, the bastards got what they deserved later when they sat on some poison ivy. And also their entire civilisation gets wiped out by the Conquistadors. That too.

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4. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) – The macabre goings on at Hogwarts school for wizards and witches have everyone rattled, but trust Harry Potter to come along and save the day. Sorry Mr Basilisk, but there’s no antidote for a sword through the roof of your mouth!

3. True Grit (2010) – Lawman Rooster Cogburn blows away four or five of of Satan’s slithering descendants with his six-shooter to rescue Mattie Ross from a snake pit. Cogburn, a brash, potty mouthed alcoholic, ends up spitting venom of a different kind when he has to suck Mattie’s bites to save her life.

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2. The Jungle Book (1967) – Shere Khan quite clearly puts his full weight on Kaa’s head, flattening it into the ground – paws the video at 1:22 if you don’t believe me. Kaa is now dead, and any movements or words you think he’s making are actually just his nervous system going into the death throes.

1. Snakes On a Plane (2006) – Planes are quite constricter-ed spaces at the best of times (unless you’re on a boa-ing 747) but when hundreds of serpents are set free they become even less comfortable. Don’t shed a tear for this lot though, because Samuel L Jackson is aboard to make sure they don’t join the mile-die club. Big Sam knows that all everyone needs is a bit of fresh air, and he opens up some windows to turn these snakes in the grass into snakes through the glass. Oh dear.

Enjoy the night guys. If you’re looking for an appropriate movie to fit the celebrations, Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun’s Revenge, Leprechaun in the Hood and Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood are all highly recommended…

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