‘Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well!’ One hundred posts, eh? Movie Quibble started off as an experiment, but in a matter of months it has developed into my number one method of killing time in order to make it to the end of the day. Big thanks go to everyone who’s read my blog in the past and anyone that’s reading it right now – keep coming back, because there’s going to be plenty more!
The competition is now over. Well done to James Skinner and Åddæm Wâsserfjördd, who won things like a T-shirt, a crushed Diet Coke can and some beers. Please read the list anyway, it’s depressingly hilarious but in an ambivalent way.
And so it begins. Prepare for the Apuncalypse.
100. Leg Lamp, A Christmas Story (1983) – This is tight piece of movie merch, although people unfamiliar with the film may think you’re a bit shady for keeping it in the middle of your family’s living room- well to heell with them!
99. $25 Casino Chip, Casino Royale (2006) – Hundreds of these were made for Daniel Craig’s first Bond film,
BuyOmegaSonyHeineken! Casino Royale, and now you can have a chip…a casino chip, of your very own. Who knows, it may have even been handled by Craig…Daniel Craig, or his nefarious opponent, Mikkelson…Mads Mikkelson, a Danish man who takes staring contests seriously… very seriously. But no, he does actually bleed out of his eyes.
98. Space-Nazi Binoculars, Iron Sky (2012) – Night of Broken Glass? More like Night of Intact Bi-Focal Looking Glass! Reichstag? More like, RightyouSlagI’mGonnaLookAtYouFromReallyFarAway. Trivialising horrific historical events isn’t funny though.
97. Prancing Pony Mug, LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – ‘This, my friends, is a pint!’ Sorry to interrupt your merriment Meriadoc, but this is in actual fact a HALF-pint tankard purpose built for Frodo and Sam’s midget Hobbit-doubles prior to their meeting with Strider inside the Prancing Pony Inn of Bree.
96. Wesley Snipes’ Fangs and Contacts, Blade (1998) – Sink your teeth into these bad boys! They may be tempting, but they’ll drain your wallet dry. Wesley Snipes is out of prison now, and if he decides he wants his face back then you’ll be coffin up more than just cash. Like blood maybe, or your oe(sarcho)phagus.
95. Six Pack of Penn’s Pavel Lager Beer, The Truman Show (1998) – Just like the Big Brother backlot that Truman calls home, this alcoholic ‘lager beer’ is a lie! A translucent, plastic lie! According to the seller, not only has the liquid largely evaporated, but it never contained alcohol to begin with. You’d be hopping mad if you didn’t find out until after. Then again, you mightn’t Carey less.
94. Nostromo Crew Cap, Alien (1979) – It keeps out the sun pretty good but, unfortunately, it doesn’t have the same stopping power on acidic xenormorph blood. Wearing this cap while cleaning out ventilation shafts in inadVISORy….
93. Severed Wampa Hand Ice Scraper, Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – Picture the scene: You’re a Jedi, you’re late for the pod-racing and you’ve got a lot of credits riding on a particular speeder. Problem is, your car is frozen over and you can’t see sith on the roads. But Lo! Here comes an ugly polar bear thing with horns! Slice his arm off, wipe his calloused hands across the windscreen a couple times and you’re away!
92. Overlook Hotel Carpet, The Shining (1980) – All wood and no rugs makes Jack a dull boy, so you’re recommended to purchase this luxuriant recreation of the carpet seen under foot/trike of the Torrance family in Stanley Kubrick’s cabin fever classic.
Price: Depends how much you want laid down.
91. Sex Panther Cologne, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004) – A man’s perfume. For men. Works best on anchor men, is least effective on men from Hull. Ingredients may include: Dolphin, Beaver bits, Elk face.
Price: $20 per 1.7.oz
90. V mask, V for Vendetta (2005) – Verily, this is a vile visor of vivacious visibility and voraciously vilifying vivacity, vindictively vituperating vipers from vocalising veneration of vindictive Viking-esque violence vnd vven vhen Vshit VOLES! It’s a cliché to say it, but the V mask has become an integral part of our popular culture, especially on them intertubes. Want to bring down the system? Why not join millions of others and buy one on Amazon right now? Change the world!
Price: £3 – £3,000, depending on whether you buy a replica or one of the masks from the actual set.
89. Cursed Gold Shilling, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) – There’s not many of these left, so keep it close to your chest. Hah, chest! This is a masterfully (Hah, mast!) made medallion which can also be worn as a necklace like Kiera Knightley does in the film. Getting one before the yar are gone cannont be guaranteed, and they may never be on sail again, so act quickly. Hah, quickly!
88. Pack of 11 Joker Calling Cards, The Dark Knight (2008) – ‘Wanna know…how I got these… carrrds? I bought them on the internet.’
87. Geezers Briefcase, Lock,Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) – Lock Stock cards/poker chips, Lock Stock on VHS and the original Smoking script. You don’t have to be Ritchie to buy it, neither; ‘It’s a deal. It’s a steal. It’s the sale of the f****ng century.’ Oi , Oiii! Luvvly jubbly, av’ it!
86. Jurassic Park Tour Leaflet, Jurassic Park (1993) – If there’s one place you don’t want to get lost, it’s in a safari zone full of thirty-foot tall artificially bred reptiles from the Jurassic time period. Handily, this little leaflet will show you the fastest route and keep you from *self-loathing sigh* amberling down stray paths.
85. Lewis and Clark Bomber Jacket, Event Horizon (1997) – Want to pass through THREE magnetic fields while maintaining a regulated oxygen to carbon ratio? Do you still miss Justiiiiiiiiiiiin? Do you actually like this film? Well then this is the coat for you! It has three waterproof layers, and allows you to see the dark inside of yourself from the other place. #ObscureReferencesJustTwoPeopleWillGet
84. Liposuction Soap, Fight Club (1999) – The only way to be really sure that you get the best smelling clean post-fistfight is to produce your own soap out of human blubber, a la Tyler Durden. That’s illegal, but with this soap made out of condensed punches and sweat you have the next best thing. Don’t start a bar fight with it, because if you get caught slipping it’ll be a wash out.
83. 100 Pack of Pierce and Pierce Business Cards, American Psycho (2000) – If you’re the kind of person that wouldn’t hesitate in removing a Nell’s drink waiter’s spleen as he brings over yet another tray of goddam Bellini’s, then you need a professional card to match your perfect complexion and buffed out abs . If someone else – especially that filth Halberstram – has a better font than you, it’ll drive you up the wall(street), so invest now! P.S: Don’t forget to apply the watermarks.
82. Bofur’s Hat, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012) – James Nesbitt’s Bofur is the only likeable dwarf of the bunch. Even though Oafenshield consigns him to dish washing duties and late night flute playing for the majority of the quest, he has warm ears at least. A friend and I once saw James Nesbitt in an off-license. We let him go in front of us, and he said ‘Cheers, lads’.
81. Set of Three Torturer’s Weapons, Hostel 2 (2007) – Not a bad collection, but that price is pretty eye-popping (because of that one scene with the eyes getting popped). A real serial killer kit would be worth much more though; A Son of Sam milk bottle or custom Ed Gein lamp? Now that’s memurdabilia!
80. Bag of Bank Heist Coins, Spiderman 2 (2004) – Doc Ock’s inklined to carry out a good bank job now and then, but he’s been done by the props master on this occasion because them coins are made of plastic. Why do they call them tentacles, by the way? He only has four tacles.
79. Coconut Horse Hooves, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1981) – Travel anywhere on horseback, any time, without having to actually own one!
Here’s a joke: What is every horse’s favourite Christian Bale film? Equuslibrium!
Here’s an even worse joke: What is every horse’s least favourite film? Blazing Saddles, because they hate it when jockeys self-immolate mid-race!
And another: Why do all Irishmen aspire to be butchers? Because they love Chat n Ham! CHRIST.
Price: 80p (Sainsbury’s Single Coconut)
78. Bilbo’s Pipe, LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – Bag end? More like Baggy end, because of the fact that Bilbo buys baggies of pipeweed to smoke inside his hilly abode. This is just a replica, but it’s fully operational.
77. Do Long Bridge Fireworks Set, Apocalypse Now (1979) – ‘I love the smell of display fireworks in the morning.’ Duvall, you moron! You’re supposed to let them off at night time! We should have put Laurence Fishburne in charge!
76. Glaive Replica, Krull (1983) – Ultimate Frisbee just became Krulltimate Frisbee. The classification of Frisbee playing as a sport is a source of fiery debate, but if you introduced the glaive –and with it a high to certain chance of appendage severance and decapitation – there’d be no questioning its place amongst the millennia old Olympian pursuits of running, jumping, water crawling and shooting handguns at things.
75. Rick Deckard’s Whiskey Glass, Blade Runner (1982) – This is more than a replicant, this is the real thing, hand blown by the same company (Arnolfo di Cambio) that crafted Harrison’s Ford’s whiskey vessel in Ridley Scott’s seminal sci-fi-noir.
74. Area 51 VIP Badge, Men In Black (1997) – This little piece of plastic-wrapped cardboard don’t look much, but it’ll grant you top tier clearance for when you next want to see some aliens or find out how they make beer so delicious but the Illuminati won’t let you.
73. Hulk Hands, Hulk (2003) – Back in 03’, anyone who was anyone had a pair of these. Smashing them into household appliances (e.g Banner-sters, Rage-diators) soon became a bore, but when a friend was round you could take one hand each (the guest got the left glove) and go at it. Keep it under your hat, but we even ran a gammabling racket for six months.
72. One Eyed Willy’s Treasure Map, The Goonies (1985) – One-Eyed Willy would be one irate pirate if he learned that a ragtag bunch of pre pubescents discovered his X-marks-the-spot, evaded his carefully laid booby traps and then claimed his stash, all over the course of a single afternoon. This map is useless to anyone who buys it now because the Goonie gang cleaned the place out nearly thirty years ago.
71. Keep It Real Umbrella, Ali G Indahouse (2002) – Sacha Baron Cohen? He should be called Sacha BARREN Cohen, because he’s gonna be hella protected from the rain under this this portable canopy. ‘Rain? Behave!’
70. Jeff Portnoy’s (Jack Black) Helmet, Tropic Thunder (2008) – This is a handy piece of kit, and if you’re lucky there might still be some Jelly Beans left in that helmet band. Jelly Beans is code for heroin powder.
69. Chilly Chocolate Creme Wonka Bar, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) – There’s no disputing that this is a genuine choccy bar from the Tim Burton set, but whether or not you’re prepared to consume a nine year old perishable confection is another question entirely. The ticket under this wrapper is one-way only, and the destination sure as hell isn’t a sweet factory; it’s rooster tailing, (simultaneous diarrhoea and projectile vomiting) and that’s a best case scenario.
68. Double Decker Couch, The Lego Movie (2014) – You’re basically just gonna have to buy two couches and some wooden blocks and a nail gun. If I were sitting on the bottom half I’d be bricking it.
Price: However much the two couches you use are, plus tools.
67. Remember Sammy Jankis Tattoo, Memento (2000) – Ever woke up not knowing who you are, covered in complex hieroglyph tattoos, the origins of which have you scratching your throbbing head in beguilement? Yeah, well you’re not Guy Pearce, you’re just an idiot on holiday in Magaluf.
Price: Free (just draw it on every day) or £40 (hourly wage for a tattooist)
66. Locked & Loaded Mixtape, Get Rich or Die Tryin (2005) – How much would you expect to pay for a mixtape on the mean, heavily romanticised but still thoroughly cracked-out streets of 90s Brooklyn? More than 50 cents probably, but 30 quid is an outrage. Young Caesar will definitely fall into the second category of his life motto if he keeps up this kind of extortion. G-Unit? Should be called Haven’t Shifted Any Units!
65. Monkey Head Soup Bowl, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) – The cunning manufacturers of this Indie homage have really filled a g-ape in the market. If you’re into eating soup, jelly or brains out of novelty vessels then you’re (ba)booned to love it – his cranium cavity is the perfect size for a pre-frontal cortex.
64. Authentic Riddick Replica Goggles, Pitch Black (2000) – Contrary to popular belief, these glasses do not allow you to dislocate your shoulders and bring your rear-handcuffed hands over your head before clicking your rotators back into place without the slightest grimace of pain. Please be aware also that these goggles were purpose built for Vin Diesel’s beefy bonce, so you’ll probably end up looking riddickulous when you strap them on.
63. Nazi Scalp, Inglourious Basterds (2009) – Well, that’s one way to get rid of nits. Lesson learned, anyway; don’t let the Bear Jew cut your hair.
62. Lucha Libre Ticket, Nacho Libre (2006) – ‘GET that corn outta ma face! Oh wait, you purchased for me the tickets to see the wrestling show? Thank you, amigo! I am sorry that I knocked that salt-covered starchy snack from out of your hand, it smelled amaizeing!’
61. Number Two’s Eye Patch, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) – This may sound dumb, but the fact that you can purchase the actual patch actually worn by Robert Wagner to conceal his laser vision eyeball throughout the Austin Powers films is hugely exciting to me. I can’t even come up with any cojunctive(itu)s to describe it.
60. Gold Plated One Ring, LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – The whole ‘One ring to rule them all, One Ring to blah, One Ring to etc’ thing is quite severely cheapened by the existence of hundreds of thousands of identical replicas. At least once you own it you’ll never have to pay for postage tracking on any finger jewellery ever again.
59. Metal Perseus Lunch-box, Clash of the Titans (1981) – In Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Johnny Depp’s CIA agent couldn’t find a briefcase small enough to make the amount of money being exchanged not seem comically insubstantial, so he put it in this neat little tin container instead. Disregarding the 10,000 pesos, the delighted recipient rushes home to add it to his Ray Harryhausen shrine immediately.
58. Oh Dae Su’s Hammer, Old Boy (2003) – Not only is this the perfect tool for nailing those punks that always hang about in the third floor landing of your block of flats (aka Torture Tower) right on their heads, it also doubles up as a nifty bottle opener – don’t get too hammered though, hahahahaHAHA! HA!
Price: £59.99 (You have to buy Chan Wook Park’s ‘Vengeance Trilogy’ box set, it comes inside)
57. Set of Five Smaug Treasure Coins, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013) – Bullions of coins litter the golden indoor valleys of Erebor, so surely Smaug wouldn’t begrudge you taking these small few? It should be renamed the Minty Mountain, really, because, y’know, like, bank terms and stuff.
56. Burned Body, Saw (2004) – Corpsing while acting in a comedy film means that you laugh at a moment when your demeanour is supposed to be one of composure and sincerity. On a horror film set, it takes on an entirely different meaning: If you make a mistake, they murder you, dunk you in formaldehyde and use you as set decoration.
55. Foil Wrapped Courgette, This Is Spinal Tap (1984) – If you’re anything like Spinal Tap’s Derek Smalls, you’ll be all over this gizmo. ‘The Trouser Helper’ is the ultimate in ‘Power Zone’ enhancement technology, and now you can enjoy it’s effects too. Don’t go beyond eleven inches, it’ll look fake.
Price: £2.75/Kg (Courgette) £1.08 (Basics foil)
54. Pazuzu Statue Replica, The Exorcist (1973) – Is your house just too damn hot during those long, languid summer afternoons? Can’t afford to pay for air con or keep a fan running in every room? Then get Pazuzu, get possessed, and chill out, because it’s going to get very cold – you might even say… compel-etely freezing.
53. Clint Eastwood Poncho, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) – 100% hand woven replica, fit to size. Nobody actually knows who makes these, so they’re referred to as The Fan With No Name.
52. Boy With Apple, The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) – Artist Mike Taylor was commissioned by Wes Anderson to create this wondrous portrait specifically for the film, and though its core value is unknown, there are murmurs on the internet of prints coming available for purchase sometime soon. To steal from the fabulously eloquent Gustave H, ‘It is a masterpiece. The rest of this shit [on this list] is worthless junk’.
51. Maltese Falcon, The Maltese Falcon (1941) – In the Humphrey Bogart classic – still the benchmark for the sleuth suspense movie – the missing Maltese Falcon was deemed ‘priceless’. Well, now it does have a price because you can buy it on Amazon. Observe the detail; the sculptor must be very talonted.
Price: $149 (Replica) $4 million (How much the original went for at auction last year)
50. Maximus’ helmet, Gladiator (2000) – ‘What we buy in life will echo on our online bank statements for eternity.’ Not quite as rousing as General Maximus’ speech, granted, but at least it’s the truth.
49. Mechanical Piranha, Piranha 3DD (2012) – Piranha 3DD is a seanematic gillty pleasure if there ever was one, but peroeple like what they pike so you shoaldn’t plaice judgement. That said, a line should be prawn at acquaring an electricorally powered flesheater from the film set. If it does hook your atten(tacle)tion and you shell out to buoy the thing, whale then you baiter enjoy it, because it codsts a susfishious amount of anemoney.
Net Worth: £1,199
48. Dwarf Beard Hat, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012) – It shall be MINE! Geddit, because of dwarves… they dig for g… they forge th…they mine. It was an oreful joke, but I can’t help myself, puns have always and shall always be a thorin in my side so just gimmeli a break.
47. Animal Puppet, The Muppet Movie (1976) – Drum roll please! Why not welcome Animal into your home? He’s a bit high strung but he knows how to stick it to the man and he’ll ensnare you with his happy go lucky attitude. He’s almost like a puppy, except less y and more et. Apologies for the quality of the photo below, ’twas taken off ebay.
46. Ellen Ripley’s Watch Replica, Aliens (1986) – This Seiko wristclock is as timeless as Sigourney Weaver’s super-feminist Xenomorph squisher. Ripley’s Nostromo watch resurrection is much welcomed (unlike the fourth Alien film) and comes with tons of features, including a double face that allows you to see the time in your location and Cryro simultaneously.
45. Gandalf the White’s Staff, LOTR: The Return of the King (2003) – After smiting a Balrog upon the mountainside, there’s nothing more reinvigorating than having a shower and handing in your well-worn clothes at the dry cleaner. Them robes were white after all – who knew?! A shiny new stick of magic can always be used to help complete the look.
Price: £127.50 – Unless you’re a wizard. A wizard pays precisely what he means to.
44. Atlantean Sword Replica, Conan the Barbarian (1982) – You’re never too old to pretend to be Ahnuld, and this neat piece of Infidel-cleaving kit can help you to realise your fantasy, allowing you to pommel your imaginary foes into the ground all day long! If you want to go all the way, though, you will need to invest in a lot of faux fur and anabolic steroids.
43. Rosebud Snowglobe, Citizen Kane (1941) – Ah, the snowy mountain cottage scene. Simple, humble, magical. It came to represent everything Charles Foster Kane once cherished, and he spent a lifetime wishing he could jump right in and ride his sled like in the good ol’ poverty-stricken days. But he couldn’t. Then he died.
42. Safety Fire Mask Worn By Warwick Davis, Leprechaun in the Hood (2000) – Warwick Davis’ character in the lucklustre Leprechaun series was greedy all clover, but he wasn’t so much interested in the pot o’ gold as he was the pot (the marijuana, that is). Such a weed fiend was Lep that he took to the mean streets of L.A. to score off Ice-T, and he always wore this fireproof mask when he lit up because he smoked them right down to the filter and his beard got singed one time.
41. Cocaine Filled Bunny Rabbit, Batman Begins (2005) – Bruce Wayne never listens to Alfred’s warrenings, ending up in the most harey of situations. ‘WHERE ARE THE OTHER DRUGS GOING?!’ To Watership Down, via the lapine mountain ranges.
40. Mr Wilson Volley Ball, Cast Away (2000) – Wilson always stood (or at least sat) by Tom Hanks during his spell of isolation, but he’s liable to kick off at any moment, so he isn’t imbeachaball.
39. ‘The End is Here’ Wooden Sandwich Sign, Armageddon (1998) – Bad film, but it must be said, a pretty bad-ass prop. In case you were wondering, the other side reads ‘Kiss Your Ass Good Bye’ – if you can do that, you are either a) An incredibly flexible athlete, b) In dire need of corrective surgery, or c) The proud owner of a donkey with which you do not wish to part.
38. Horn of Gondor, LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – FULLY FUNCTIONAL! THIS REPLICA IS FULLY FUNCTIONAL! YOU CAN BLOW ON IT, AND IT MAKES THE SAME SOUND AS IN THE FILM. MUST NOT SPEND STUDENT BURSARY ON BOROMIR’S HORN REPLICA FROM FILM.
37. M14A PULSE RIFLE, Aliens (1986) – A pump action shotgun or a handy flamethrower might prove more useful, especially if you attend a cosplay convention as a marine and are worried about potential close encounters of the… nerd kind. ‘Another glorious day in the Cor blimey, it costs how much?!’
36. Noah’s Arcade Neon Sign, Wayne’s World (1992) – ‘It will be mine. Oh, it WILL be mine’. In reality, if I attempted to purchase this undeniably stroke-able find, the online bank authorization page would be rather reminiscent of one of Wayne’s famous quotes; ‘DENIED!’
35. Original Woody, Toy Story (1995) – There was a lot of buzz around Toy Story when it first came out but, despite being known as the greatest children’s franchise of all time, it’s rooted in the boldest merchandising ploy ever conceived. Rather than make toys out of the characters in the film, they turned the characters INTO toys.
34. Necronomicon Ex Mortis, Evil Dead II (1987) – Depending on whether you want the ‘Hardback’, ‘Paperback’ or ‘Bound in Decomposing Human Flesh’ edition, the prices may vary.
33. John McClane’s Original Tank Top, Die Hard (1988) – It’s not called Nakedtomi plaza, is it John? So put your clothes on. It’s Christmas time and all, you must be a bit nippy ki yay, no?
Price: The prison sentence you’ll get for breaking into the Smithsonian Museum in Washington and stealing it.
32. Gabe Walker’s (Sylvester Stallone) Outfit, Cliffhanger (1996) – Those who have as much passion for the under-seen Stallone action-adventure masterpiece as I do would move mountains to get hold of this gear. ‘DO YOU LIKE SOCCA?’
31. Audrey II Plant Puppet, Little Shop of Horrors (1986) – A faithful hand puppet recreation of the venus-man-trap from the Little Shop of Horrors. This is rent only from a panto company, as are the fully grown ones, including a leafithian ‘Feed me, Seymour’ sized prop. You can also buy the movie soundtrack from the same website…on VINEYL.
Price: No idea. Contacted the company for a quote, they didn’t reply.
30. Darth Maul Lightsaber, Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999) – When a Darth Maul FX replica lightsaber is switched on, the dark energy it emanates is palpatineable, making the wielder a force to be reckoned with.
Here’s a joke: What is a Sith Lord’s favourite breakfast item? A Corussaint…
Another, if it please you: What did Luke Skywalker say to Leia when she asked him what his favourite planet was? Gee-I-Dunno-Sis!
29. 1881 Enfield Stunt Rifle, Zulu (1964) – Carried by an extra on set, and maybe even brushed past by MYCOCAINE from the moving-picture-films. Get one while stocks last! (That last pun implies a plurality to the number of replica rifles from Zulu that are for sale on the internet, but there is in fact only one.)
28. VAUEN Official Gandalf’s Pipe, LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – Made of finest balsa wood and fully functional, these exact replicas were very limited in release and can run for up to a grand in auctions houses. You probably won’t be able to find one; the pipe forums (they exist) are all puffed out in their search.
Price: It’s a bit of a grey area.
27. Monster Floor Piano, Big (1988) – The key to happiness? You guessed it, it’s pretending to be a nine year old Tom Hanks inside of a thirty something Tom Hanks while jumping about on a massive piano. The cost is a minor fee to pay for such major lols.
26. Supreme Edition Boba Fett Outfit, Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – You have to give credit where credit is due, these guys have done a great job recreating the look of that boldly icloneic bounty hunter. By all accounts, the costume makers at ‘Star Wars Costume Making Place’ have tons of bant(h)er, but they also know when it’s time to get bacta business. You’ll notice here that I’m beginning to lose my mind. Like, ‘bacta business’? Am I really running with that?
25. Large Mechanical Boar Head, Hogfather (2006) – This is a serious piece of proppage, and not to be truffled with under any circumstances. Owning this boars enormous responsibility, so you’d better be up to the tusk, and it’s also quite dirty so be sure to keep some antiseptic oinkment around in case you scratchings yourself.
24. Ernie McCrakcen’s Clear Bowling Ball, Kingpin (1996) – Bill Murray is the indubitable highlight of this side-splitting comedy caper. He lives life in the fast lane, he’s an enigma, you just can’t pin him down, strike, spare, bowl over, gutted, on a roll, alley, frame of mind, and so on and so forth. Here’s an interesting titbit: According to the Bowling Proprietors Association of America (BPAA), ‘Cheesy Cakes’ are bowling lanes on which strikes come too easily.
23. El Mariachi Inspired Guitar Case, Desperado (1995) – To make it in the bard business (it’s a big thing down South America way) requires stringent effort and endless pluck, and even then you’re unlikely to be the burrito-winner of the household. Then again, you could just fill your guitar case with a wide array of high-powered automatic weapons and kill people for a living. Hombre? Hombreakyourlegs and then shoot you in the neck, would be more accurate.
Price: $1,400 (Think it was a one-off, sold at auction now)
22. ‘Rocking Machine’ Penis Sculpture, A Clockwork Orange (1971) – Just because Alex DeLarge had a bit too much of the old Moloko Plus and smashed in Cat Lady’s face with a giant fibreglass phallus, doesn’t mean you’ll do the same thing if you buy one. It’s like Stanley Kubrick said; ‘People cannot be made to do things that are at odds with their nature’. Go on, James Franco has one.
21. Full Scale Arc Generator Prop, District 9 (2009) – Saffa MNU coordinator Wikus van der Mewe paid the ultimate price to fire this lethal cosmic cannon. The Arc Generator is only responsive to those with the genetic makeup of a ‘Prawn’, a bit like in one of them James Bond films, so Wikus swallows alien oil-jizz to transform himself into a human/shrimp hybrid. This gun will do more than just ‘cut some cake’. No, it’ll make the cake explode. Like, properly just send sponge everywhere, candles all on the floor and shit.
20. ‘The World Is Yours’ Throne, Scarface (1983) – ‘Say hello to my leather friend!’ Who else can say that they have a revolving throne in their mansion/workplace/bedsit? This chair matches the exact measurements of Tony Montana’s, and it has a clever readjustment system that allows you to snort coke as easily as possible, no matter what height your desk may be.
19. Endoor, Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983) – This metal panel was custom built for the entrance way of one of the Empire’s bunkers on Endor (that’s right, I’m endorsing a door on Endor). If you’re considering buying this, bear in mind that you could have four full sized Ewok models for roughly the same price. Imagine that! Or a hundred woks. Imagine that! Better still, you could hire a Bolivian pygmy, suit them up in an Ewok outfit wearing a gag so they could only make guttural noises and gesticulate, and then you could have equipped them with two woks to turn them into the ultimate home defence system. Imagine that!
18. Lestat’s Coffin, Queen of the Damned (2002) – Some people say that you’d have to be batshit crazy to sleep in a coffin, but to be honest it looks quite cosy. Besides, that statement doesn’t even make sense because the faeces of a bat isn’t a living organism, so how can it pass in and out of wakefulness or suffer from mental health issues? Idiots.
Now here’s a snippet about Staurt Townsend (the guy that played Lestat in the film) from his IMDb bio: His most recent projects include Queen of the Damned (2002) and a romantic relationship with Charlize Theron.
17. Splurge Gun, Bugsy Malone (1976) – This fully functioning splurge gun is the cream of the crop, with a firing rate of 200rpm (Rounds per Pint of Milk). Now you can simulate massacres in public and claim to be practising for a stage production. Then, free of suspicion and very well prepared, you can carry out the real thing.
Price: £275 (to rent a set of ten)
16. Jay Gatsby’s Pool Ladder, The Great Gatsby (2013) – According to the auction house that sold it, this prop was ‘ touched by Leonardo DiCaprio’. Unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, this ladder has an Oscar attached to it (Best Achievement in Production Design) so it’s a rung above that so called golden boy in my opinion. Keep climbing Leo, keep climbing.
15. ‘Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite’ Desk, Empire Strikes Back/Return of the Jedi (1980/1983) – This is a good idea. It would be terrifying if you knew anyone that had this in their office, but it’s still a really good idea. Notice the bulletproof glass layer, used to protect the precious carbonite surface from grubby hans and impromptu Nerf(herder) shootouts.
14. 7 Foot Tall Remote Controlled Robby the Robot, Forbidden Planet (1956) – I didn’t know Forbidden Planet as anything but the chain of geek haven superstores, and the sci-fi classic has been duly added to the IMDb watchlist. Check this robot out anyway, it moves and makes noises and costs a lot of money and looks like the Protectron from Fallout 3. Speaking of computer games, have you played Limmy’s game Jumping yet? Google it when you’re done here, it’s free!
13. Starfighter Arcade Machine, The Last Starfighter (1984) – Arcade machines are fun and all, but they’re really not that fun at all. Prestige of ownership aside, who in their right mind could take joy in playing a game with only four buttons for any substantial amount of time when the likes of Limmy’s game, Jumping, are at your fingertips (Google it, it’s free). If you’re going to buy any arcade cabinet, Asteroids is your best bet – it’s Kurt Russell and John Carpenter’s joint favourite.
Price: Sold at auction for an unknown price, but if you could track the buyer down and had a few tens of thousands of pounds to spare, you could probably make it your very own.
12. Foreign Courtyard/The Cave/Army Camp/Helicopter Crash/50s Town/Third World Country Sets, Zero Dark Thirty (2012) – All these appealing sounding locations – plus thousands of authentic looking props – have been packed into one labyrinthian movie-making kingdom on a ranch in Southern California, and they can be yours for the low, low price of – oh, never mind.
11. Les Grossman Crushed Diet Coke Can, Tropic Thunder (2008) – ‘First, take a big step back and literally CRUSH YOUR OWN CAN!’ That’s a slightly moderated version of what Tom Cruise’s aspartame addicted movie producer says to the pan-pacific terrorists over the phone in Tropic Thunder, but it’s my best advice to anyone that’s considering buying this one of a kind item and putting it on their mantelpiece. ‘Diet Coke!!!’
10. LightCycle, Tron (1982) – This sleek-geek feat of engineering is based on the design of Jeff Bridges speeder from 1982’s Tron, a film famed for it’s unparalleled cheese and not much else. The Daft Punk scored, glossy neon psychosphere of 2010 reboot Tron: Legacy clearly attracted some new (and extremely talented) admirers to the original, and this stunning tribute is the end result. Beneath the binary-bonnet can be found the guts of a Suzuki 996cc motorbike, plus an extremely complicated wiring system that channels over 40,000 watts to power it’s electroluminescent exterior. ‘What? 40,000!’ No, Watts.
9. 12.5 Foot Tall Don Post King Kong Replica, King Kong (1933) – Nothing says ‘I like the film King Kong’ quite like chaining up a 12 foot high King Kong statue outside your house for the whole world to see. They might think you’ve gone nuts… monkey nuts, that is! Anyway, it’d be hard for the Jones’ to top that, unless of course they had a no.8 (below) parked out in their front driveway.
8. Electric DeLorean DMCEV, Back to the Future (1985) – Great Scotch! That’s right, if you hadn’t bought this ridiculous and quite frankly emasculating ride (who plugs in a car?) then you could have ordered a lifetime supply of some really great scotch.
Price: £70,000 – Missed a trick in not making it 88 grand, a true fan probably would have preferred that anyway.
7. Paulie’s Robot, Rocky IV (1985) – Nobody really knows why Rocky bought Paulie a robot. Firstly, gifting someone a personal assistant/friend is quite insulting to a man of Paulie’s disposition. Rocko’s basically saying that he thinks Paulie is a sad, lonely guy, which is tough to take, even from your millionaire brother in law that gives you everything. Second of all, if he really wanted to cheer the ex-meat packer up by providing him with a lifelong companion, a Galapagos turtle (Rocky’s favourite animal) or a Thai bride would have gone much further. Money isn’t even an issue for the three- time heavyweight champ – it was no trouble to purchase an intelligent android organism capable of reading human emotion and baking cakes (and in the 80’s to boot) – so why not get him something really special, like a house? Y’ know, Rocky, to get that domestic-abusive leech of a drunkard out of your home and away from your family? He’s been hanging on your robe tails for nine years now, you Heavyweight CHUMPion!
Price: Rental only, cost unknown.
6. Full Body Functioning Mark IV Suit, Iron Man 2 (2010) – Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO, it’s FeHomosapien! Whether you have a lethal shred of missile shrapnel embedded in your thoracic cavity which is slowly burrowing its way into your aorta or you’re just a massive fan of Tony Stark, then this is the movie costume for you! Caution: If you put this suit on and attempt to approach the newly single Gywneth Paltrow to engage her romantically or demand that she take care of your administrative tasks (don’t you do it, Åddæm Wâsserfjördd), you will be swiftly tackled to the ground and beaten severely about the helmet and arc reactor by her security personnel.
5. Power Loader, Aliens (1986) – Now the game never has to be over, because you can clamber into this bad boy and… stay still. Ok, so it’s not as cool as the fully-functional walking forklifts seen in James Cameron’s riotous post-Terminating space spectacular, but it’s still fun to sit inside of it and watch Aliens on repeat. The company responsible for building it, Hollywood’s Finest, will ship the Power Loader to you (unless you live in the US(S)) within a week, but the deliveries postly arrive at night…postly.
4. 1943 M24 Chaffee Tank, A Bridge Too Far (1977) – When browsing the online auction pictures for this M24 Chaffee, there came upon me a sudden realisation; ‘This is a tank! If you were rich, you could just go onto the internet and buy a real tank!’ Arnold Schwarzenegger recently purchased one of his own (check out the YouTube vid ‘Will it Crush?’) so all you need to do is stay on track with your life goals, work as hard as he did and you’ll be able to afford one for sher, man.
Price: $339,000 (or best offer)
3. Full Scale Replica of The Wolf, An American Werewolf in London (1981) –‘JESUS CHRIST! WHAT? GOD! WHAT? OH, OHHWW, I’M BURNING UP!’ With anticipation, that is, because the second my bank account hits £5,600, this beauty is all mine. I wonder if being an actual wolfman is like-them-tropes furm the scarry movies, or is it maw of a clawseted afhair wereby you scar-cely go outhide for fear(al) of howl the genegrowl pawblick will re(tr)act wane they see –‘That’s enough! That’s ENOUGH!’
2. Full Sized AT-AT, Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – I saw this first hand as a nine year old while on a trip Disneyland Florida with family. It doesn’t move, but it’s a 50 foot tall All Terrain Armoured Transport, who gives a shit if it does anything? There was an internet Kickstarter a couple of years ago called ‘AT-AT for America’ run by a man named Mike Koehler, whose web page promised a fully functional, 23m high AT-AT to be built using exclusively fan funding. Don’t get all hoth and bothered though, because the project soon came crashing down like an X-Wing piloted by a death stick addict. Shame.
Price: $75 billion (approx) – The item can’t be removed from its location, so you’ll have to buy Disney outright.
1. Sleddale Hall, Withnail and I (1987) – ‘Free to those that can afford it…VERY expensive to those that can’t’. The 2009 selling price for Uncle Monty’s house in the country was over 260 thousand pounds – even for someone of means, that’s not exactly ‘free’. This is the greatest film location of all time, and Withnail fans are able to make a pilgrimage to it’s hallowed grounds whenever they so choose. That it is still standing, unchanged and untarnished, in our land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that ‘set in’ is nothing short of miraculous, and serves as testament to the longevity of the film. If you do set out for Monty’s manor, don’t forget to equip yourselves with some ‘good quality rrrrrubbar boots!’ Sleddale hall is currently occupied, but it has changed hands thrice in the past decade, so there’s always hope. Not sure if it’d be nice to live there in winter though; those are the kind of windows that faces look in at…
For those that read all the way to the end: Thank you very much, I hope you win something!
On a final note, I won’t be attempting a ‘Top 100’ anything for a very long time.