Review: The Expendables 3 – 2/5

Director: Patrick Hughes                                                                                                                 

Certificate: 12 A 

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Mel Gibson, Arnie, Harrison Ford, Wesley Snipes, Jason Spicychorizo, Terry Crews, Ronda Rousey, Victor Ortiz                                                                                        

Running Time: 2hr 6min

Plot: Explosive ensemble action sequel directed by Patrick Hughes (now doing The Raid remake) in which Barney Ross (Sly Stallone) and his old-school buddies team up with new meat to take out nuclear weapons/fine arts dealer Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson). If Vin Diesel were in this I could say, ‘Does what it says on the Vin’. He isn’t though.

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Writing something clever about this film is not a primary mission objective. Limping from the bromantic trenches of a screening of The Expendables 3, enlightened with the passing of several thousand brain cells, there’s not much anyone could think to say other than, ‘Can’t believe Arnie did his ‘Get to tha choppah’ line. Twice.’

For a film whose characters are ostensibly dispensable it’s interesting to note that none of them have been spent (i.e killed off) yet. Of course, Bruce Willis has now been ejected from the group due to his inflated fee requests, but John McLame wasn’t an official tattooed member of the mercenary cadre anyway. Harrison Ford, Willis’ replacement for The Expendables 3, is a better choice Hans down.

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A skittered plotline involving Revenge and Bombs and The Somalians isn’t worth paying attention to. Now, you can debate as to whether ‘Somali’ is more proper than ‘Somalian’, but Encyclopaedias say that ‘Somali’ refers to the ethnic group and not the natives of the country of Somalia. But I digress.  Walking vein Sly Stallone reprises his role as head expendable Barney Ross, who takes an avuncular turn by dispensing with his long term crew to hire fresh mercs for a ‘one way’ mission to kill aging nemesis Conrad Stonebanks (performed by His Royal Highness of Malibu, Mel Gibson, who hates everyone in this film and not just Jews and women).

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Here’s the cast overview: Ahnuld is back; Wesley Snipes is out of prison; Antonio Banderas makes a fine comedian; Stallone is urggahwhut!; Kellan Lutz must not be allowed to continue happening; Jet Li is still short but it’s not his fault so why do they make fun of him?; MMA champ Ronda Rousey, the Oppositesexpendable, is the only female with lines; Terry Crews is still shouting; Jason Stakehimtodeath doesn’t get a single good pun; Kelsey Grammer is… in this? He looks more like a reporter that’s gone to the set for the day; Mel Gibson is scary. There are more people but that’s enough isn’t it?

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The Expendables 3 is quite amusing and ends with karaoke in a bar, which is as out of place as it sounds. For the next one – and there will be a next one – they need to get Jackie Chan in there, and Nick Nolte, Jack Nicholson and Kurt Russell should be megalomaniac triplets.

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2 comments

  1. Expected something big, loud, dumb and most of all, fun. And that’s pretty much what I got. Good review.

  2. […] to see The Expendables 3 at the cinema and it gave me shellshock and cauliflower ears and PTSD (my review here). Now on with the […]

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