And all of the Oscars go to… Nicolas Cage

 

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Nicolas Cage, in the Vanity Fair photoshoot ‘At Home with Nicolas Cage’.

Nicolas Kim Coppola Cage has starred in seventy two feature length films made for widespread cinematic release, and two made-for-television movies. Actor, director, writer, producer, musician, philanthropist, archaeologist, lover, father, comic book collector, vampire, friend to the stars, and god among men, Cage has solidified his reputation as the greatest living performer of our generation – and, quite possibly, all of human existence– through his countless Oscar-winning performances. The man has won more Golden Globes, Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, BAFTAs, and Academy Awards than any other actor or actress in history. At age 52, he shows no signs of slowing down.

To understand the man as he is now, it is essential to study his early years and the keynote performances that led to his transformation into a global icon. In 1996, Nicolas Cage won the Best Actor Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas (aka Adiós a Lás Vegás), the darker followup sequel to 1992’s Romantic-Comedy-Thriller, Honeymoon in Vegas. Cage initially received Golden Globe recognition for this role, and the film’s positive association with the place name of Las Vegas, which was also cryptically alluded to in Honeymoon in Vegas, convinced the film’s production companies – Lumiere and MGM – to push his Oscar campaign further than they had ever dared push any Oscar campaign before it. The campaign paid off enough to buy many spades, and Cage collected the first of what was to become the biggest Academy Awards collection in the annals of Hollywood.

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Nicolas Cage celebrating his first Oscar, with less important people nearby.

This was the beginning of the era that has come to be known as The ReNicCagessaince, which kicked off when Cage fully realised the power of his self-styled ‘Nouveau Shamanic’ working methods that combine contemporary practices of dramatic and musical theatre, also taking in operatic influences, with the ancient rites of the voodoo shamans of Central Africa.  In an interview with MovieLine, Cage promised to write a comprehensive book about the school of Nouveau Shamanic: “Possibly it will be a textbook. It might also have an audio book which can be purchased on CD-Rom, which I would obviously be personally recording in my seven favourite languages”. Cage’s out-acting of Sean Connery in The Rock (1996) was followed up by his decision to undergo a facial transplant for John Woo’s Face/Off (1997). The veracity of these exploits was undeniable; Cage’s methodology was indomitable, his commitment was total. He had arrived. He was legend.

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Trademark Nicolas Cage acting in Face/Off.

Since the early ReNicCagessaince period the Oscars have been dominated by Mr Cage, who has been nominated for either Best Actor in a Leading Role or Best Actor in a Supporting Role without fail every single awards season, having appeared in at least one film per calendar year from 1995 onwards. Additionally, he has also been given a multitude of lifetime recognition awards, including an Honorary Doctorate in Fine Arts by the California State University, a title which Cage taunts Sean Penn with to this day. Penn, of course, gave the star his big break in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) but, following the success of Cage’s action outing The Rock, labelled Cage a sell-out and a hack. Indeed, the unfortunate downside to Nicolas Cage’s staggering success is the jealousy it sparks in those that cannot come to terms with their own lack of talent.

Among all his works, Cage’s directorial debut is worthy of an extra special mention. Reportedly the only film he ever intends to direct, Sonny (2002) is a masterpiece in every sense of the word. Cage Citizen Kane’d the project out of the park, snapping up fifteen Oscars in the process and smashing Warren Beatty and Orson Welles’ tied previous record of four Oscars for one movie into a million pathetic little pieces. Auteurs? Throw in an ‘m’ and an ‘a’ after the first ‘a’ and take away the first ‘u’ and you’ll have what they really represent in comparison to the silver screen Titan that is Nicolas Cage.

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Nicolas Cage filling up on extra buttery popcorn at the premiere for his magnum opus, Sonny (2002).

Since 2009 the Academy of motion pictures has been officially known as the ‘Acagedemy’, and Nicolas Cage is its principal decision maker, president, and financier. Today, as readers will well be aware, the Oscars can no longer be televised, as this was deemed a tragic demystification of the gold-tinged Hollywood Cage remembers from his turbulent youth. “A barrier should exist between audience and entertainer”, Cage once said when at a pool party for his son Kal-El, so named for his Superman logo birthmark. “Not just a physical barrier, like a velvet rope and large ex-college football athletes, but also a metaphysical barrier. A mental barrier”.

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Nicolas Cage pictured wearing a t-shirt bearing an artist’s impression of Nicolas Cage’s face.

Later that day, during a post-event conference at the awards ceremony for the Institution of Music of Native American and/or Inuit Origin, Cage expounded on his earlier statement: “What goes on behind the scenes”, Cage said, “is a scene that should not be seen by the mainstream. The curtain exists for a reason, and I intend to pull it closed once again. Excuse me one moment – uh, I’ll be right back-“

Cage moved off through a doorway and out of the static news camera’s shot.

“Patricia? Patricia!  What’s happening with that triple scoop? I asked for it fourteen minutes ago, gosh dang it! Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. Chocolate, chocolate fudge, and chocolate cookie dough with chocolate. Yeah, with chocolate sprinkles, as always. Shit yeah, I want a diamond in the bottom of the cone! Jeez, honey, do I really still have to keep telling you that?”

Actress Patricia Ar-Cage-ette was heard mumbling in a compliant manner. Cage returned to the interview platform and to the rabid journalists that were hanging as leeches onto his every word.

“Haha I… sorry about that. Wives, huh? So anyway, yes, I, uh, I believe the excesses of Hollywood to be too obscenely decadent for the media to openly broadcast, and by limiting exposure of the yearly Acaegdemy Awards to radio and Morse code radio shows only, normal people will be more enticed by our world and view it as a separate magical sphere to their own mundane reality”.

“Think of it this way: You bring your kids to Disneyland to ride the rides and sit in Donald Duck’s lap and get a picture with Snow White and Cinderella. What you don’t want to see are the cocaine and tequila-fuelled orgies that go down on the Disneyland staff barracks after dark five nights a gosh darned week. Snow White Powder Up Her Nose, more like! Gosh, noooooo! That’s not cool, man. Hahaha! So, uh, in closing, from now on the Oscars will not be televised. However, I am negotiating right now with some asshole bigwigs about potentially selling off the rights to moviemakers who want to do feature films dramatising their favourite Oscar ceremonies in which I win. I won’t be taking any further questions from the press at this time or in the next three years’ time either, thank you”.

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Nicolas Cage wielding nunchaku.

And true to his word, that was the last official interview given by Cage until 2012, when he opened up about the movie 2012 directed by Roland Emmerich and explained why they ‘got it wrong’ by not having the unstoppable world ending event occur right at the very end of the film after the protagonists had done everything in their power for 100 minutes plus to solve the mysterious pattern of natural disasters that were occurring all over the world, which is the way it played out in Knowing (2009) starring Nicolas Cage. Nic Cage maintains that Knowing was one of the best disaster movies of the noughties, second only to The Happening (2008).

In this interview, which broke a 36 month silence between he and the Hollywood press, Cage also stated that he would he would have been much better in Woody Harrelson’s roles in 2012 and in the recent post-apocalypse comedy-horror hit, Zombieland (2009). He disclosed that he had in fact auditioned for and been offered both parts, but due to unforeseen clashes with his classical music performance schedule he was forced to relinquish them. There is no doubting that, had he the chance, he would have turned them into Oscar-worthy performances.

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Cage: Thoughts of Cage

Nicolas Cage’s career has been on the up and up since he was conceived. But just how has he become the most incredible human being ever to walk the earth? Well, as previously established, his meteoric rise to fame did not occur until he appeared as a lovelorn, suicidal screenwriter and moderate drinker in Leaving Las Vegas, all the way back in 1996. Following the Oscar win he was immediately heralded by film critic Roger Ebert (R In P) as “the New James Dean, But Somehow Even Better”. And the rest, as Cage says, “is history”. Let us now recap on Nicolas Cage’s singular success at winning Oscars, in painstaking chronological order.

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Nicolas Cage grinning behind spouse Patricia Ar-Cage-ette, who is seen here caressing the base of one of Nicolas Cage’s many Oscars with a gloved hand.

 

List of Nicolas Cage’s Oscar wins (and for which films) to date:

Leaving Las Vegas (1995) – Best Actor in a Lead Role (henceforth BALR)

The Rock (1996) – Best Actor in a Supporting Role (henceforth BASR)

Face/Off (1997) – BALR & BASR (Cage played two characters, and notably beat John Travolta by playing John Travolta better than John Travolta played John Travolta) (Cage also won against himself in Con Air (1997))

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Nicolas Cage and Nicolas Cage wearing John Travolta’s face in Face/Off.

Snake Eyes (1998) – BALR

8mm (1999) – BALR

Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) – BALR

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001) – BALR (In recognition of Cage’s learning to play the Mandolin to a world class performing standard in just ten days in preparation for this film role, Cage also won the 2001 International Classical Music Awards ‘Discovery Award’. For a modest fee he will still provide solo performances at private parties)

Sonny (2002) –  Best Director, Best Picture, Best Writing (both Best Screenplay & Best Adapted Screenplay), Best Cinematography, Best Film Editing, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing,  BASR, Best Original Score, Best Original Song, Best Visual Effects, Best Production Design, Best Costume Design, and Best Makeup and Hairstyling

(Nicolas Cage thought of, wrote, directed, shot, edited, sound edited, sound mixed, acted in a supporting role capacity in, recorded and played original Mandolin music for, wrote and performed an original song for, did the computerised effects for, designed the set for, and personally selected and saw to the application of all costumes and make-up and hairstyling for this film about male prostitution starring James Franco. For his superhuman efforts, he was nominated in every category in which he was eligible, and even one in which he was not. He won everything)

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Cage: The Man With the Movie Camera

The Making of Nicolas Cage’s Sonny: The Director’s Cut (2002) – Best Documentary Feature

Adaptation (2002) – BALR (Cage was also nominated for BASR for playing Charlie Kaufman’s non-existent brother, who despite looking the same is in fact a different character. He lost out on BASR to Nic Cage in Nic Cage’s triumphant magnum opus of a directorial debut, Sonny. Adaptation is one of Cage’s renowned ‘double-acts’, in which Cage plays the lead role and a supporting role in a film. He has also done this in the aforementioned Face/Off and the popular Ghost Rider comic book film series, as well as playing ‘Good Lieutenant Cop’ & ‘Bad Lieutenant Cop’ in The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, the long-awaited Werner Herzog-directed sequel to The Good Lieutenant: Port of Monte Cristo (1957))

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Nicolas Cage with Nicolas Cage in Adaptation.

Matchstick Men (2003) – BALR

National Treasure (2004) – BALR (Cage was also nominated for ‘Best Stunt Double’ at the Stuntmen and Stuntwomen of the World Awards for playing his own stunt double, however did not win due to disqualification after it was uncovered by the Official Stunt Awards Academy Selection Team that he had been his own stunt double, thus putting at least one stunt double out of work – but possibly even a duo of stunt doubles, given the range and complexity of stunts performed by Cage throughout the arduous 10 month shoot for National Treasure)

Lord of War (2005) – BALR

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A close up of Nicolas Cage’s face after winning the BALR Oscar for Lord of War.

The Wicker Man (2006) – BALR (Narrowly beating out Nicolas Cage in World Trade Center (2006) and Nicolas Cage’s Voice in The Ant Bully (2006) – this was reportedly one of the toughest calls the Academy has ever made, but Cage’s objectively perfect performance as a man made of wicker clearly deserved the win)(After disappointment back in 2004, Cage scooped up the award for ‘Best Stunt Double’ at the Stuntmen and Stuntwomen of the World Awards in recognition of his unparalleled work as the stand-in for Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible III, also released in 2006. This motorbike-based lunacy would also land Cage a gig in 2007’s Ghost Rider. See the picture below, which captures Cage’s uncanny embodiment of the future Tropic Thunder star Tom Cruise)

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Nicolas Cage dressed up as Tom Cruise and about to complete a dangerous motorbike stunt scene for Mission: Impossible III.

Grindhouse (2007) – BASR (Beating out Nicolas Cage’s fiery supporting turn in Ghost Rider, a film which won Cage another Oscar in the BALR category)

Ghost Rider (2007) – BALR (Savagely beating out Nicolas Cage in 2007’s Next and vigorously beating off Nicolas Cage in 2007’s National Treasure: Book of Secrets – the latter did earn Cage his prized one and only Razzie, the acceptance speech for which lasted 1 hour and 17 minutes and 32 seconds)

Bangkok Dangerous (2008) – BALR

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009) – BALR & BASR (Coming out ahead of nominees Nicolas Cage in his tour de force for Knowing (2009), as well as Nicolas Cage’s Voice in guinea pig ensemble G-Force (2009) and Nicolas Cage’s Voice and Some Motion Capture Work in Astro Boy (2009))

(After Nic Cage’s steamrolling of the competition for so many years on the trot, the Academy finally caved to popular demand and approved the petition to change the title of their annual awards ceremony, the Academy Awards, to the Acagedemy Awards, and themselves from the Academy to the Acagemedy. In doing so, they recognised Nicolas Cage not just as the actor of our generation, but the actor of our species, and our greatest representative on Earth. Not just a ‘National Treasure’, but a Universal treasure as well. 20th Century Fox filed a lawsuit against Universal Pictures for claiming rights over shared intellectual property and an unknown but definitely massive sum was paid to the 20th Century CEO outside of court  – a racquetball court in Pasadena, specifically)

Kick Ass (2010) – BASR (He would go on to be voted as the San Diego Comic Con People’s Choice ‘Hero of the People’ in 2011 for making a surprise appearance on the SDCC exhibition floor as Big Daddy, Cage’s ultra-violent caricature of Batman circa Adam West which he portrayed in the movie Kick-Ass and also won an Oscar for, at the newly re-named Acagedemy Awards Ceremony of the previous year)

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Nicolas Cage sitting down at San Diego Comic Con while dressed up in his Big Daddy Kick-Ass costume.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010) – BALR

Drive Angry 3D (2011) – BALR (Nicolas Cage was nominated four times in this category in that year, and came out on top against three of himself to win himself the Oscar)

Drive Angry 3D (2011) – Best Adapted Screenplay (Cage adapted Walt Whitman’s poem ‘Leaves of Grass’ as a touching tribute to his literary hero)

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) – BALR & BASR

The Croods (2013) – BALR (Nicolas Cage’s Voice in Neolithic animation The Croods was selected by the Acagedemy over Nicolas Cage in The Frozen Ground and Nicolas Cage in Joe, which was the dark horse in the race, but has since proved to be an occult classic and is now widely championed as Cage’s finest dramatic performance since Leaving Las Vegas, bar The Wicker Man)

Outcast (2014) – BALR (Cage’s most recent Acagedemy Award. The 2016 Oscars will reveal which 2015 film Cage wins BALR for out of The Runner and Pay the Ghost)

 

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Nicolas Cage shifting uncomfortably in his chair while giving an interview on the press tour for the motion picture Outcast from 2014.

For the benefit of those that missed the live radio broadcast of the 2015 Acagedemy Awards or were at the ceremony but spent the whole time bullying Leonardo DiCaprio and therefore missed Cage’s acceptance speech, here is a full transcript of the moment Nicolas Cage won the Best Actor in a Lead Role Oscar for Outcast (2014), with handy stage-play directions courtesy of ANON. Echoing his first Oscar win some twenty years prior, the first word of Cage’s acceptance speech for Outcast was ‘Wow’.  Then as now, it’s an emphatic but humble opener from a genius innovator, inventor, and incinerator of the thespianic form.

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Nicolas Cage

 

Nicolas Cage Wins Best Actor in a Lead Role for Outcast (2014) at the 2015 Acagedemy Awards

INT. Dolby Theatre, Night. The 87th Acagedemy Awards are well under way. The host: Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage:  Helen Hayes, Ingrid Bergman, Maggi Smith, Jessica Lang, Meryl Streep – these are five gifted women who have won Oscars for Best Actress and Best supporting Actress. Last year Jennifer Lawrence almost added herself to that esteemed circle for her role in American Hustle. She went down in flames, and I gotta say personally I found it pretty gosh darned funny. I hated that movie! I hate her! Here she comes now! J-Lo, everyone! Hahahah!

Grand orchestrations play on actress Jennifer Lawrence, who is wearing a cotton dress made (poorly) by herself, and she confidently strides up the podium with card in hand, amid over-enthusiastic applause and a smattering of whoops. She appears unfazed by Cage’s hilarious, insultory introduction. Cage back-steps away from her after pretending to lean in for a kiss on the cheek, leaving Lawrence hanging. Lawrence now appears fazed. Silence from the crowd, some of whom are wondering whether or not ‘insultory’ is a word. 

J. Law: Acting… I mean- Actors… Dammit, I screwed up. Let me start over. You don’t mind, do you?

Lawrence slays a drunken front row full of her friends and admirers with a classic ‘Come on, I’m Jennifer Lawrence, I can do no wrong’ staredown which evokes laughter and a fresh wave of applause.

Jen Law:  Acting means many things to many people. Different things to every person. It comes in many forms, sizes, shapes, types, ways, and methods, and colours. Black and white films, for example, are a different colour to the majority of colour in colour films. Actors of today are as essential now as they have always been to society. They make us laugh, cry, think, and do things we otherwise wouldn’t do… like watch the stupid Oscars. Haha! Just kidding, that was totally unscripted!

Entire audience beside themselves in fits of laughter. Nick Nolte has his fourth stroke of the evening.

J-Leazy: Really, really, come on people! But yeah, there are always those special few that stand out above the rest. Like, that is to say, some are better than others. There are many ways to be a good actor and many ways to define it in words, but none of those words can fully describe the elusive wonder of a great performance. Very few actors can do that. But the following five have done so, they have transcended mere acting by giving the performance. Cute speech. I didn’t write it, by the way!

20% of those in attendance at the Dolby Theatre pass out from lack of oxygen through laughing too hard. Nick Nolte slips into a coma. Helen Mirren gives a wry smile. Jack Nicholson picks up Nick Nolte’s drink. Kevin Spacey does a pitch perfect and highly flattering impersonation of Jennifer Lawrence, which receives rave reviews, a standing ovation from those within earshot and also a Screen Actor’s Guild award and a 4.8 star Netflix rating. Laughter peters out. Nick Nolte has his second heart attack of the evening.

J-O to da Lay-O: You’re too kind. Seriously. Can I have another Oscar now?

Violent laughter breaks out again. In his mirth Brad Pitt spews champagne all over the back of Shia LaBeouf, who was in disguise as Joaquin Phoenix (who was in on the prank), and who proceeds to knock out Brad Pitt and call him out to the audience for his lack of commitment to the role of Sergeant Wardaddy in David Ayer’s Fury, which co-starred the de facto Hollywood outcast LaBeouf. LaBeouf, clearly on a cocktail of hallucinogens, is escorted out by bouncers who struggle to pull the muscle bound former actor and part-time motivational speaker from the stalls because they are still in fits of laughter over J-Law’s wisecrack. Jack Nicholson orders another WKD. Nick Nolte has his fifth stroke of the evening.

JJ. Lawbrams: Simmer down, folks. Here are the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role:

Nobody in the room notices that Jennifer Lawrence’s whole speech was extremely derivative of Jessica Lang’s 1996 introduction to the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Academy Awards in 1996 hosted by Whoopi Goldberg.

Jello: Nicolas Cage, for Rage.

Still from Rage with Nic Cage is projected on screen, to low level applause.

Jenga: Nicolas Cage, for Dying of the Light.

Still from Dying of the Light with Nic Cage is projected on screen, to moderately loud applause.

Len Jaw: Nicolas Cage, for Left Behind.

Still from Left Behind is projected on screen. Smatterings of applause. Murmurs of approval ripple through crowd.

#Jailbait: Bradley Cooper, my long-suffering co-star, for American Sniper. Love ya, Bradley!

No still, no applause whatsoever. Weed tumbles across stage, closely tailed by a frantic Snoop Dogg. Kevin Spacey brings down the house with a good-natured impersonation of a senile Clint Eastwood spouting violent right-wing propaganda to an empty chair. Roses thrown at him as he bows and exits the room. His work here is done. Nick Nolte has perished. 

Katnip Evergreen: And, last but not least, Nicolas Cage, for Outcast.

All in attendance rise to their feat. David Blaine rises above his feet. Clapping is deafening and ‘Insert Ear Plugs’ sign flashes. Too late for Sam Smith, whose eardrums are perforated, scuppering his chances of writing Writing’s On the Wall On a wall and then recording it for Spectre and it becoming a hit and him getting nominated for an Oscar. Radiohead’s intro song ends up being much better, and makes the whole film worth watching. Instead of just a still, the Acagedemy deem it appropriate to screen a short clip of Nic Cage in Outcast which also features Hayden Christensen.

Here is that clip:

Upon the clip’s closing, the collective weeping sounds like the wailing of a name-worthy weather disturbance. All are in awe. The chanting begins. They want to see it again. 

Jennifer Fishburne appears bewildered and gesticulates in a casual manner to the area of the rafters she believes the show’s projectionist and production team are located. They correctly interpret her body language to mean: “I’m beat. I guess just play the clip again”.

 The production team play the clip again.

Reactions are similar to that of the first showing. After ten minutes the ruckus dies down, but before the ceremony can resume The ‘Dwayne Johnson’ Rock has to employ physical force to break up a fist fight between Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman, which erupted after the countrymen both realised they can’t act worth a shite compared to Nicolas Cage and resorted to violence as a means of distracting from this blow to their confidence. Crowe attempts to redeem himself by turning to the dress circle and bellowing an ‘Are you not entertained?’ from his film Gladiator. It bombs.

Jennifer Lawrence of Arabia clears her throat in a demure fashion, indicating that she is tired of these shenanigans. Silence grabs the room like the way a cobra seizes a small rodent.

J. Lozenge: And the Oscar is awarded to…

Suspense grabs the room, like how a mouse trap seizes a small rodent.

Lawrence fumbles with the envelope, resorting to ripping it open from the side while blowing air up her fringe in frustration. This moment is filmed on an unknown person’s camera phone and is uploaded to the website Tumblr, and it later becomes a viral gif clip.

Jaws: ……. Fuck yes! Nicolas Cage, for Outcast!

Plaster from the roof begins to crumble down onto the audience below as applause, screaming, foot stamping and glass smashing reaches fever pitch. The firmament is torn asunder. All eyes now on Nicolas Cage, who has mounted Leonardo DiCaprio and gagged him with a bison’s liver, and is riding him down the central aisle of the Dolby Theatre’s stage floor while high fiving everyone he passes, except for Patricia Ar-Cage-ette, who he is still angry at for divorcing him in 2001 (she later realised her mistake and remarried him twice). He reaches the podium, straddling DiCaprio – who is on all fours and clearly distressed – and alights his steed, booting the chronically award-less actor down into the orchestra pit below. Cage rips his Oscar from Jennifer Lawrence’s hands and slaps her heartily on the back, before taking to the microphone. The cheering respectfully hushes. Jack Nicholson is snorting cocaine with a rolled up broadsheet newspaper.

Nicolas Cage: Wow! Oh boy! Ohhh boy! You know, I never expected to win this, really, I… aww, who am I kidding, of course I did! First of all, y’know, I have got to thank the Acagedemy. Partly for this award and my dozens of others, partly for renaming themselves after me back in 09’. Ummm. Hahaha!

Cage awaits a response from his crowd, whom he has in total rapture. It is wildly disproportionate to what has been said thus far.

Nicolas Cage: I’m also immensely proud and grateful to be included in this group of super talents. My awe and respect for the other nominees Nicolas Cage, Nicolas Cage, and Nicolas Cage is just so profound – it’s people like this and performances like this that keep the industry going, and it’s what makes me want to keep doing what I do. The fact that they are all me just fills to bursting with pride. I know I only have as much time as I damn well please to deliver this speech because I practically own your asses, so I’ll take my sweet goddamn time. I’ve been such an inspiration to me and to all of you, and my only hope is that I get exponentially better with the passage of time. I’m truly, truly honoured…

Cage glances at his feet with an honoured look, for about twenty seconds.

Nicolas Cage: …Truly. Truly. Truly truly honoured. Honoured. Truly. Truly honoured to be holding this award right now.

Cage raises the Oscar aloft, tilting it back and forth so that it gleams in the spotlight. He grins and stares out into the open space where the roof used to be until it collapsed due to the earth-shattering volume of his cheering cohorts.

Nicolas Cage: There’s a buttcrap load of people I probably should thank out of politeness but I don’t have to and I won’t. Who I must thank, though, is my dear, dear friend Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman, known to most of y’all as Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yeah, you buddy. Yeah. YEAH! Get on up here, boy!

Dog the Bounty Hunter charges on stage, tears streaming down his grizzled face. He gives Cage a bear hug and the two playfight for a precious few moments. Nic jumps from standing position clean onto Dog the Bounty Hunter’s shoulders, a distance of 5’11.

Nicolas Cage: This beautiful man saved my ass more times than I can count. As some of you may know, I went through a very dark period of my life from around 2002 until 2011. On many occasions it was Dog the Bounty Hunter who came to my aid, when no one else would. I remember this one time, down in New Orleans, I was on the wrong end of a three month bender and beating my wife up in the street. Some cops tried to arrest me, so I told them I was Nicolas Cage and went into a bar instead. I got some digits off some hot babes who I told I was Nicolas Cage but they left before I could invite them back to my helicopter pad. So I went back outside and I was vomiting all over the place, really out of control and I was covered in blood actually, ahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahah! My son Weston had disowned me when I’d tried it on with his wife the previous week so there was that I was dealing with as well and, well… It was ugly. I was deep in debt, with no place to turn, nothing left to live for. I’d spent over 300 million dollars on a fleet of airplanes, fifteen houses, dinosaur bone auctions, Caribbean islands… the list goes on. At one point I think I even had some slaves.

A collective gasp from the audience. They feel a new sense of sympathy and respect for the man who has humbled himself before them.

Nicolas Cage: But I digress. I was a broken man, washed up, done for. And I made the decision then to drink myself to deat- oh, no, wait, that was my character in Leaving Las Vegas! Hahahahaha! I made the decision then to go to a titty bar. So I was in this titty bar, speaking to Werner Herzog through Skype Face Time, wasn’t I Herz?

Werner Herzog briefly rises from his seat and nods once to verify this.

Nicolas Cage: And I was openly pissing on the floor while drinking a Shirley Temple to help me sober up. And that’s when I saw my own reflection in a full length strip club mirror, and realised I needed help. I went right outside then and verbally assaulted the first cop I came across, swearing and making racial slurs left, right and centre. Mel, you’d… buddy, you’d a been proud.

Mel Gibson, Prince of Malibu, ceases giving Harvey Weinstein a series of vicious Chinese burns, and winks at Nicolas Cage with heartfelt Antisemitism before resuming the abuse.

Nicolas Cage: They threw me in jail, just like I wanted. I had to sit there then for six long hours, in a pool of my own and other people’s bodily fluids. Those hours seemed to last years. I was forced to think about what I had become. Who I had become. It was horrible. But then, out of nowhere, Dog the Bounty Hunter posted my $11,000 bail. I was free! And I’ve never had to deal with the consequences of my actions since. I owe it all to Dog. This dog right here. He’s the top dog.

Cage gracefully climbs off of Dog the Bounty Hunter’s shoulders, giving him a warm embrace which is reciprocated with gusto, followed by the shedding of tears from both parties.

Nicolas Cage: Thank you everyone, and good night. Please join me for my after party at the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel, where I’m making Shia LaBeouf watch all 72 of my movies back to back without letting him sleep. Peace and good will to all mankind!

End

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Nicolas Cage, mid-acceptance speech at the 2015 Acagedemy Awards.

We close with a clip of Nicolas Cage’s Oscar-winning performance as Chinese criminal mastermind Dr. Fu Manchu in Rob Zombie’s fake trailer for Werewolf Women of the SS, which was filmed as a supplement to the main features of Death Proof and Planet Terror which formed the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino collaboration known as Grindhouse (2007). It holds the record as the shortest amount of screen time and smallest amount of effort made to have earned anyone an Academy or an Acagedemy award. Ladies and gentleman, for your consideration:

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Nicolas Cage aka ‘Nic Cage’

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Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman aka Dog The Bounty Hunter with a beautiful Hawaiian sunset in the background.

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Thanks to Variety magazine for commissioning this piece and letting me post it on my web blog.

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4 comments

  1. This is almost as bonkers as Cage himself. I salute you.

  2. Adriana · · Reply

    I looooove Nic! Isn’t he awesome? And my fav movie with him is Trespass http://putlocker.as/1698-trespass-2011.html if you saw this one..

  3. I have a weeping sore on my penis. Do you think I should worry?

    1. Try your best to cheer it up.

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