Every great film has humble beginnings. Pirates of the Caribbean was nought but a corny Disneyland ride until Jerry Bruckheimer decided to do a film out of it. Transformers was merely a globally best-selling line of morphing action figurines and a hugely successful long-running animated television series before Michael Bay thought it might be amusing to cast Even Stevens as the boyfriend of Megan Fox. And look at the Passion of the Christ, which ultimately owes all its commercial success to a vagrant giving birth in a shed.
But that’s not all. A few decades ago, battleships were little more than floating steel husks stuffed with sea men that bobbed about the seven seas on the whims of a bunch of rum-sozzled admirals. But when some Hasbro bright-spark decided to base a board game on naval warfare… blammo! He was fired, for suggesting such a preposterous idea as a post-apocalyptic battle taking place in the depths of a human belly button. Then the new intern came up with Battleships, and if that naive genius hadn’t given away the world’s greatest board game idea for practically nothing then we wouldn’t now have the ‘sea’nematic masterpiece starring Rihanna as Rihanna. “We’re gonna need a bigger umbrella!”… is a line they opted not to use.
To get even more current than that (though how one can get more current than the ocean, I’m not sure!) the 200 million dollar motion picture Warcraft: The Beginning at one point in time was only the most profitable PC video game in history. Even more impressive, its director, Duncan Jones, used to be an embryo! An embryo made by David Bowie, granted…but still!
In case it isn’t clear, I despise all of the aforementioned movies, except for the first Transformers, which was a bit of alright – and I’m not just talking about John Turturro here! The time has come for a better breed of box-office-smash. The one the people deserve, but only those that have boycotted all of Marvel and DC’s cinematic ventures on the grounds of cultural preservation and basic human decency. I’ve taken it upon myself to begin this renaissance, and have begun pitching to Hollywood hotshots all across Tinseltown – should I fail, then I’ve lost little more than hundreds of hours of my life.
It is in this happy-go-lucky, why-the-hell-not, you-only-die-once, Snakes On a Plane vein that I write these short film pitches, summarising for film execs and movie prods my vision for a better form of cinema, and in turn a better world in which everyone will have the exact same taste in film as myself. Movie Quibble now presents to you part one in a litany of rejected movie ideas, which was sent around to seven different well known production companies before anyone even opened it to have a read. I now present to you the pitch for the as yet unmade horror film franchise known as ‘Limb Cutter’, in all its gory… sorry, that’s glory.
Introducing Limb Cutter; cutter of limbs, collector of limbs, occasional diner on limbs, and all around limb obsessive. You might say that his love of human legs and arms knows no – you guessed it – lim(b)it. Limb Cutter runs an independent cinema roughly somewhere in Europe which is dedicated to horror films. With his ‘youth group ticket deals’, Limb Cutter’s picturehouse, the Horrorshow, tailors explicitly to groups of drunken Inter-Railers. Mainstream found footage garbage and more avant garde cult entries all play, anything to lure the meddling kids through the doors.
The Horrorshow keeps very unusual opening hours; Limb Cutter eats seven meals each day on an hourly basis and requires a two hour siesta to facilitate digestion before commencing work, meaning it takes nine waking hours for him to open the doors and put on a film. As he rises just before 2pm, it’s always at least midnight before the day’s film begins. What the unsuspecting, pliable, and moist patrons don’t know is that he plays real home made snuff movies amongst the video nasties and typical torture porn flicks of contemporary horror cinema.
Beneath the Horrorshow’s crackling neon signage is a billboard bearing an ominous warning that only the keenest of minds could make sense of: “Great cinema that won’t cost you an arm or a leg”, and beneath, the small print: “because it will cost you both your arms and legs”.
After the film is over, Limb Cutter claims what is his. One by one, he cuts off their limbs, puts their limbs into the slush puppy machine, and sells them back their mushy, icy cold and refreshing former body parts at an outrageous markup. He wasn’t always this way, but one dark day in his past the mannequins just weren’t doing it. Or cutting it – though rest assured, he was cutting them! A corner was turned, then again, then twice more, all at 90 degree snaps, bringing it back to where it was originally. But then it was flipped upside down, and Limb Cutter went on a killing spree that resulted in the death of his mother, the exhumation of his father, the near suicide of himself and the starvation of his goldfish, whom he forgot to feed amidst all the excitement of his very first murderous rampage.
Limb Cutter II* – Out On a Limb
After his cine-movie business gets shuts down following a routine health and safety check (the popcorn machines were using too much vegetable fat, presenting a fire hazard, and a packet of out of date Revels was discovered in a compromising position) Limb Cutter is forced out onto the streets and the harsh world of ‘reality’. It transpires that he has never known the pressures of life as most people have to face them. People such as the hundreds, possibly thousands, possibly even tens of hundreds that he has fully dismembered and left as living nuggets.
With this in mind, Limb Cutter decided to go for broke in the edgiest, cutthroat environment known to man: Finance, with a capital f (F). Financial forecasting, specifically, which is where the play on words of the title comes in handy, because Limb Cutter will make bold predictions about the stock market and the activities of certain companies, against the advice of colleagues while flying in the face of all current data analysis and common knowledge about said companies. To put it another way, he’ll be… out on a limb!
But when the companies don’t do what he wants he’ll bring to bear his networking specialities to force them to play ball. Playing ball games, of course, is one of the activities that Limb Cutter reminds the CEOs they will never be able to do again if they do not follow his orders to the letter.
There will be a funny and depressingly ironic montage of Limb Cutter butchering butchers who are in the act of chopping up animal carcasses.
*The Roman Numerals representing 2 in the title not only add gravitas , but will also resemble the bloody stumps of a human’s legs that have been sliced off from the pelvis.
Limb Cutter 3 – Just Limbering Up
Having briefly and ironically lost the use of his own limbs owing to a sexually transmitted virus that attacks the central nervous system, which he contracted by frequenting a faun prostitute in New Orleans (he did manage claim its legs as trophies, though no one would believe him when he insisted they came from a faun, and not simply a regular goat), Limb Cutter must seek the help of a voodoo priestess who trains him to harness the power of telekinesis to control other people’s limbs. The problem: He can only take charge of one limb at a time!
How will he cut limbs like that? Let’s make it, and find out!
Limb Cutter vs Jason: A Limb for a Limb
Tagline: “A limb for a limb makes the whole world confined…to brainwave controlled wheelchairs [or ‘make the whole world apodal’, but that may be too scientific a term for the average joe]. Except for one guy. One guy will still have a limb, because there will be no one with any limbs to cut the arm off of the person who cuts off the last arm of the second-to-last person with arms left”.
As the title suggests, it’s as simple as Limb Cutter against Jason Vorhees, from the ever popular Jason Vorhees film franchise. Heads will roll… backwards, as audiences pass out in their seats from sheer horror!
Limb Cutter IV
Using clever digital art trickery, the numeral of the IV will be comprised of severed limbs in a way which only becomes apparent when looking directly at them – if the onlooker’s focus drifts from the blood pumping from the gaping wounds, a kind of optical illusion will cause them to temporarily forget what they’ve just witnessed, renewing their revulsion over and over, imprinting the film onto their mind through trauma and therefore making them more likely to see it.
As for the plot, it’s basically an exact copy of the original Human Centipede except instead of joining up regular people he is separating conjoined twins. Like, not in a precise surgical way.
Limb Cutter vs Leatherface: Last Man Crawling
Take a trip down (dis)Mem(ber)ory Lane as Limb Cutter and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre bloke arm themselves to the tonsils with gasoline fuelled garden tools which they use with bloodlusting aplomb to take down a gaggle of sultry teens, all of them equipped with disturbingly large mammary glands for their supposed ‘just legal’ age (even more disturbing considering the cast is exclusively male). Tobe Hooper directs in his typical visceral art-house-but-accessible style. This will be the closest Limb Cutter comes to ‘exploitation/sexploitation’ territory. A sleazy Canon films-esque romp of a throwback for Generation X, or Y, or whoever them ones are that will fondly recall sneaking into the cinema to see the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre way back in [note: look up date of original Texas Chainsaw massacre release].
Thanks to the recent low grade waste of space reboot, which starred the wet t-shirt of Jessica Biel, the Generation Microsoft Windows 8.2 will also flock to see this re-reboot cum remake cum re-remake cum part reanimated return of Leatherface, his popularity, relevance, and Cool Factor assured by his collaboration with the certified street credible Limb Cutter.
Limb Cutter in the Cabin in the Woods*
Seventeen models, mathematicians, Nobel peace prize winners, and star athletes visit an old abandoned log cabin in [near wherever Deliverance was set] and enjoy three months of 24/7 partying, taking only the Sabbath for rest, but one of them – the smartass, which is absolutely typical of them, ruining all the fun everyone’s having – notices that their number of combined limbs is slowly dwindling. Who’s behind the mysterious disappearances of relatively conspicuous pieces of the human anatomy? Limb Cutter, is who!
Must have a gag somewhere in there about a dimwit sportsman being dismembered, whom is then termed Forrest Stump by Limb Cutter. “Try and run, Forrest, try and run!” Hilarity ensues. Joke works on many levels because they are also in the woods (as in ‘forest’) (as in Forrest). Also, Forrest Stump can’t run at all. He has very recently been deprived of the mechanisms which allow him to do so.
Bruce Campbell (from the Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness, Evil Dead remake, and Evil Dead action figure line) to briefly cameo in every single scene.
*this title might not fly – Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard co-wrote/co-directed a film with the same name (sans ‘Limb Cutter in’) way back in ’12, so we may need a more subtle tack that doesn’t rip off the name of a previously made motion picture. ‘Limb Cutter gets Cabin Fever’, ‘House of One Thousand Limbs’, ‘Dude, Where’s My Limb?’, or ‘The Oman’ (as in ‘Oh man, my limbs have been removed!’) for some examples.
Limb Cutter & Paul Bunyan – The Limberjacks
The script is set ready to go on this bad boy. Huge profit margins are anticipated in Mid-Western America, and not just for cheese and gun merchants. No, this film will definitely do well here, according to our political experts. The same people that picketed for Trump and thought that Senator John McCain was the Second Coming will lap this up like a flock of malnourished cats to a swimming pool full of lukewarm milk.
CGI will be utilised to fully capture Babe the Big Blue Ox, who will transfigurate into Babe the Big Bloody Axe during the third act’s final fight – thematically reminiscent of a Power Rangers Dino Charge boss battle – and Bunyan will wield this mighty weapon against Limb Cutter in blue-collared defiance. This entire thing depends on Jon Hamm playing Bunyan and Andy Serkis playing the 300ft tall bullock. If we can’t land them then you can just forget the whole arrangement right now.
Limb Cutter 5D: A Dimension for Every Limb*!
If we can outdo Saw 3D and the beloved Universal Studios’ Shrek 4D showcase, then we’ll be doing ourselves proud.
A note: We can not legally cause actual bodily harm to viewers. Not even willing participants, and not even in South East Asia or the Middle East, where that sort of thing (i.e voluntary dismemberment) is pretty common. We are, however, allowed to encourage fear-induced paralysis and heart attacks among our audience. Yeah, you can use imagery, sound, and extra sensory technology to psychologically torment cinemagoers, but you can’t dismember them or pollute their soft beverages with dangerous doses of hallucinogenics… go figure.
*The head counts as a limb, right?
The Silence of the Limbs
Hannibal Lecter played by Anthony Hopkins vs Limb Cutter*
Picture the closing line: “I’m having an old friend’s severed limbs for dinner”. And we’ll build the rest of the script around that. You only really need one good line in a film; provided it’s the last one, it’s all that anyone will remember it for anyway.
*for countries in which Silence of the Lambs was not well received commercially compared with the dumbed down, critically panned follow ups Hannibal (2001) and Hannibal Rising (2007)- take Myanmar as a prime example.
Limb Cutter the Friday the 666th: Revenge of the Disabled Parking Spot Users
In Limb Cutter 6, Limb Cutters non-deceased victims from Limb Cutter and Limb Cutter II – Out On a Limb come back to haunt Limb Cutter from the afterlife (how they got there, who can say, because they’re not even dead yet!), appearing as ghostly wheelchair-bound apparitions in Limb Cutter’s dreams – mainly the good ones, not his paralysing night terrors where he’s queuing up for Nickleback tickets – but luckily Limb Cutter has recently made acquaintance with Freddy Kreuger, hence the subtle Friday the 13th reference in the title.
In exchange for some of Limb Cutters well-guarded expert butchery tips, Kreuger delineates the methodology he employs to kill young boys within the plane of slumber known as the Dream World. Limb Cutter promptly denounces Kreuger as a pedophile, deletes his number, then regrets his mistake when drunk at a party and telling a girl he knows Freddy Kreuger personally and that he has his number and that they can call him up right now.
With his newly learned nocturnal ninjitsu skill set, Limb Cutter makes hunted-turned-hunter become hunted once more, as he tracks down his former (and future) victims in their own non-existent, utterly imaginary arena of REM Sleep-based terror. How the tables will turn – and not just because DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince make a glorious comeback to the horror movie genre with an updated version of their smash 90s Hip-Hop movie tie-in hit ‘Nightmare on My Street’.
Here’s a choice sample (or cut) of the lyrics which were certainly not created on RapPad.com’s Lyric Generator:
“My hearts on its last limb so it’s destined to hurt me,
That bastard was peckin like woody so we get it for free,
Got the blacksmith cutting me some axes,
I’m ballin you
niggas other people is airless so watch this,
Tie each limb up and stretch em on a rack til it breaks
Ugh, walking on water and running on waves,
I’m cutting off your fun,
Can’t you see just how long my run,
As I cut off yet another limb, chew off a piece of your skin.
For all my homies in the pen, many peers dead
niggasother people still ballin,
Wrists are for not for bracelets they for chopping,
I was born to do the damn thing,
Chop off each limb and toss it in a bag with other limbs.”
Limb Cutter and Hannibal MEAT again in… Limbs to the Slaughter
Fairly straightforward follow up to the first one. The fear might be that audiences would get tired of seeing the same old face of Hannibal Lecter again and again and again, but as the great Mark Twain once said, “Hello, I’m Mark Twain”.
Limb Cutter Seve(ered)n: Severance Package
Limb Cutter gets let go from his job working as an abattoir instructor, albeit with a sizable pension. Tempers fray, and fists fly (when Limb Cutter cuts off the fists of his bosses and throws those severed fists out of a plane).
Carry On Limbing – The Paralymbic Games
The lineup: Limb Cutter vs Freddy Kreuger vs Sweeney Todd the Demon Male Groomer of Fleet Street vs Jason vs Cthulu vs Scary Terry from Rick and Morty vs Michael Myers and Michael Moore and Mike Myers vs Leatherface vs Edward Knife Hands.
The central plot will follow Johnny Knoxville’s average Joe with nothing to lose and everything to prove who decides to pretend to be disabled to win fame, money, sympathy, and cheap laughs from an unthinking audience. Then he gets hacked to pieces by the rest of the murderous cast and has to race Usain Bolt in a real life analogy of the tortoise and the hare, except this time the tortoise gets absolutely battered.
Uh oh! I’ve just realised that Johnny Depp plays two of the main characters. We can’t afford both of him, and we definitely can’t suppress press about two on-set wife beaters, so we may be forced to scrap this one.
Limb Cutter Eight…Legged Freaks
In which some unnaturally large spiders get de-limbed. More like Eight Legless Freaks!
Limb Cutter 9: Limbo Akimbo
This film, which celebrates Limb Cutter’s ninth solo outing (finally surpassing his nemeses from the Paranormal Activity series – only eight of them excluding the spin-offs? Pathetic!), takes place in the sunny Caribbean. And they’re doing limbo. Which he makes easier for people by trimming a little off their waists. As in, he bifurcates them. And also he fights Kimbo Slice, whose name neatly plays into his fictional moonlighting alter ego… LIMBO SLICE! He Slices Limbs!
Limb Cutter vs Leprechaun
Limb Cutter vs Leprechaun the 2nd: End of the Painbow
Limb Cutter 2, Leprechaun nil: A Pint o’ the Red Stuff
Limb Cutter vs Leprechaun – Four Limbed Clover
Limb Cutter vs Leprechaun #5: Lop Off the Morning to Ya!
Limb Cutter v5 Leprechaun – : The Fina1 Limberick *
They write themselves. No elaboration required.
[NB: I’m quite aware that an unwritten script cannot literally write itself, it’s just a figure of phrase. I’m not a idiot!]
*a ‘5’ and a ‘1’ in place of an ‘s’ and an ‘l’, because this is number 6 and 5 + 1 = that number.
Mannequin Violater- Limb Cutter Origins Part Number I
Before he cut limbs, before he was ten, and before he had his name changed by deed poll to Limb Cutter, he was Mannequin Violator. Besides eating too much salt, his life primarily involved identifying clothing stores with security guards too fat, asthmatic, or depressed to chase him down after he rubbed the nipple of an unflinching plastic clothing model. This soon devolved into more depraved behaviour – swapping their shoes around, drawing moustaches on the females and removing the moustaches of the males and – once – posing as a mannequin until the H&M shut down before going on an acrylic fondling rampage. Elijah Wood to play the titular violator, because he was in Maniac and that had mannequins in.
Appendage Chopper – Limb Cutter Origins 2.1 (Part 1 of Part 2)
After he was Mannequin Violater, but still before Limb Cutter, there was Appendage Chopper. A pre-teen Limb Cutter finally escapes from his abusive family – his father was a butcher, his mother a dressmaker – fully equipped with the tools he needs to get chopping. It’s a slow start. One segment of a ring finger from a dead homeless individual. One of his own toes (an accident – he slipped on a puddle with a razor hidden in it). We end with the soon to be immortal line, portentous* of the body hacking mayhem that is to follow: “I’m having an old friend for dinner. Then, after enjoying a lovely candlelit meal, I’m going to remove his limbs”.
*Not actually an omen or premonition – there have been more than enough Limb Cutters for the audience to know what activities Limb Cutter will pursue in his adult life. Nevertheless, audiences seem to enjoy seeing the mystique of beloved fictional icons getting irrevocably shattered.
Limb Cutter X – Stuck in Limbo
Limb cutter in the afterlife!!!
To be honest, except for the epic pun there’s not much behind this one at all. It will be the final chapter in the Limb Cutter movie saga, and by far the worst.
Limb Cutters 1-6 Blu-Ray Re-Release Collector’s Edition – Director’s C(a)ut(erise)
Includes controversial political satire short “You Can’t Stump the Trump, eh?”, which finds Limb Cutter running for presidential candidate of the Democratic party in 2024. His main rival in the political circuit is Donald Trump, who is now running for a third consecutive term in the Oval Office. Limb Cutter turns Trump’s sickening (and handsomely paid for) media coverage against him by proving his claims about being impeachable in public debate wrong in the most visceral and definitive way: Stumping the Trump. That is to say, reducing Donald Trump’s legs and arms to stumps, and balancing him atop the Proto-Neo-Nazi’s own US/Mexico border wall. And, well, you know the rest. Think ‘Humpty Dumpty’. But this time, there won’t be no king’s horses or men at the foot of the wall. Only starving, hate-filled, obscenely tattooed cartel members armed with blunt machetes.
Extreme(ties) Appen(dages)ices: The True Story Behind the Limb Cutter Story
Envisage an award winning documentary with lots of, get this, talking heads from the industry… but the heads are disembodied, as if they’ve all been decapitated by Limb Cutter himself. Definitely not a gimmick.
The riveting doc will reveal for the first time Limb Cutter’s secret cameo appearance in Danny Trejo’s fifth Machete outing, Machete Kills Yet Again and Then Some, as ‘Tomahawk Tomale Tom’.
Limb Cutter’s crowning achievement in terms of cultural influence, having the Scary Movie guys make an entire trilogy based on his antics, will be lorded over the shitty Scream, Final Destination, and ‘found-footage’ films of recent years.
A (Dis)Member of the Family – The #1 Hit CBS Limb Cutter Sitcom
Replacing Modern Family as the show to get the most disproportionate amount of praise ever for how mediocre it actually is, the series finds a somewhat domesticated Limb Cutter apparently settled into suburban life with a nice wife and three kids. But chaos and canned laughter erupt at regular intervals – he’s fine doing the vacuuming, but he’s a menace in the kitchen! And just wait until you see how he deals with the neighbour’s dog who just won’t quit barking! Actually, I’ll tell you now: He cuts off its owner’s limbs! How inappropriate! Yet totally predictable from a character named for his love of cutting limbs.
The show will be funny because a murderous lunatic who gets off on dismembering people will really struggle to adapt to modern living, and will inevitably get up to all sorts of shenanigans, whether it be a family BBQ, a day at the races, or a quiet night in ‘tipping’ the pizza delivery guy who showed up late. And by tipping, I am referring to the cutting off of the tip of his head!
Of all ten series, the most hilarious episode will be a one-off extended historical special (like what Family Guy started doing after they ran out of ideas) called ‘A Man for All Four Seasons”, that has Saint Thomas More get chopped up into so many tiny pieces that a part of his anatomy can be (and is) stored in every single Four Seasons hotel across the world. Talk about being in several places at once! He’s here, he’s there, he’s every-bloody-where, Thomas Moooore! Thomas Mooooooooore!
Thanks for reading, and really sorry that you did.
Stick around for Rejected Movie Pitches Part #2:
Gnocchi I-IV (pronounced ‘Nocky’) – Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa opens up a chain of fast food pasta restaurants with Michael B. Jordan’s Apollo Creed’s son.
Not coming to a cinema near you, at all, ever!