Films are the world’s most important form of art and entertainment. That’s not just opinion: that’s Fact. If you’re anything like me, then the Cinema is your Church, and the biggest day of the calendar year is that one glorious shining Sunday in late February or early March in which all of Hollywood’s heavy hitters descend upon the Academy Awards red carpet to accept their statuettes, or crumple up their acceptance speeches if not quite as talented and worthy of international acclaim as the winners were. Yes, the Oscars Awards: for arduous movie-goers who see everything from the smallest independent foreign-language releases to the biggest bang-for-your-buck box-office-busting IMAX spectaculars, this exclusive five hour ceremony is like Hanukkah, Diwali, Eid al-Adha, Christmas, New Year, and Chinese New Year all rolled into one giant film-lafel wrap.
The 2016/17 ceremony has left the public hungry for more. Recent as it was, the people of the world are already clamouring like baby sharks for another bite of Oscar. All the hoopla surrounding the controversial and climactic ending of February’s awards, in which La La La Land did not win, brought a degree of drama to the usually civil and well choreographed proceedings, the likes of which have not been seen since 2006 when Three 6 Mafia got an Oscar before Martin Scorsese did.
Before that the biggest slice of juicy Hollywood behind the scenes/behind the curtains/behind the velvet rope drama came in 1977 when The Pianist director Roman Polanski was thrown out for illegally supplying an underage Jodie Foster with vodka martinis in the pre-show VIP Green Room. (They ought to call it a Green With Envy Room, because I’d kill to be a fly on a wall in such a prestigious place like that – who wouldn’t! Imagine the kinds of film-related banter that living legends of stage and screen such as Sir Ian McKellen and Nicolas Cage might share in there).
Rosemary’s Baby director Polanski said his deeply troubling actions were meant to be a spoof of Taxi Driver (1976), in which Ms Foster played a twelve-year old prostitute on the hard streets of New York. Any street is hard, if it’s made of laid concrete blocks, but those streets were hard for other existential reasons, like knife crime and sexual deviance. Polanski’s long time friend Woody Allen, a known step-daughter marrier, apparently backed up the gag, dubbing it “a masterful and timely satire on a serious issue – I mean, if freedom of speech means you can’t joke about courting your wife’s teenage daughter or slipping alcohol to minors, then I don’t wanna be free, I mean, y’know, c’mon I mean…” Bobby De Niro, who had a small role alongside star Jodie Foster as a taxi driver in Taxi Driver, was having none of it, and beat the pair of revered auteurs bloody – it was this same display of machismo and pugilistic rage which inspired Marty Scorsese to pair up with the character actor/amateur boxer once again for The King of Comedy.
Back to the Academy’s Oscar Awards, which is of course gets the final say regarding who’s the best and who’s not. It’s the who’s who and what’s what of Tinseltown and, now that Western audiences are expanding their scope to take in films by China and even crazy places like the Middle-East, other places besides that, too. Of course, British actors, screenwriters, and directors dominate the American movie business, but the USA gets one over on them by upstaging the BAFTAs year in year out with a show-stopping show using the extravagant wealth which it has rightfully accrued through decades of fantastic cinematic output. Without Hollywood there would be not only no record of our culture, but probably no culture at all. And so, the Oscars are the most important event in our society, more so than the Golden Globes and the BAFTAs and the SAGs and the Independent Spirits and the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards and all the film festivals in France and Venice and Italy and Cannes and all the rest of them combined.
As film critic and film criticism show host Tim Heidecker might say – or sing, since these are the lyrics to a song he wrote and has performed each year during the On Cinema at The Cinema Live Oscars Specials – “I’ve got the Oscar fever, hope you got it too. Pour me some bubbly now it’s, all you gotta do!” I sure have the Oscars fever. Do you? Let’s look ahead now to Movie Quibble’s picks for the probable nominees and likely ultimate winners for all the important categories.
Disclaimer: You may be able to tell from my selections, most of which have yet to come out, that I have not seen all of these films yet. That’s why these are called ‘Oscar Predictions’ (duh!) and not ‘Oscar Dead-Certs’. But most of the time you can tell from the sneak peak trailer or, failing that, usually at least by the second international trailer, which films are going to go home with gold encrusted tin, which is what the iconic Oscar is actually made out of.
To save time, I’ll leave out a few of the most boring categories that will be skipped over on the televised version – they usually go to the non-famous anyway, and who wants to hear about them. No, we want the stars. On with the show!
Writing (Original Screenplay)
Chris Morgan – F8 – The Fast and the Furious 8 – The Fate (F8) of the Furious
Derek Kolstad – John Wick: Chapter 2
Tom Bruce – Limb Cutter: Leg(less)acy
Michael Baywatch et al. – Trans-performers: The Last Knight
WINNER: Jeff Nathanson and Jerry Buckaneerheimer – PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN V: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES (original title) aka PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 5: SALAZAR’S BOOTY-LICIOUS REVENGE – WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR?
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
John Gatling-Gun – Power Rangers
Evan Spoileralerttheydoitattheend – Beatty and the Beast
Seven Different Writers – Lion King Kong: Skeleton Island
Six Different Writers – Baywatch
WINNER: MARK BOOMBACK – WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES
Trick or Teat – Halloween: The Night Evil Died
Hot Teenage Girl #3 is Brutally Murdered – Jeepers Creepers 3: Cathedral (original title) aka Jeepers Creepers III: Goose-Bumped Off One by One
Alarm Clock Posession – Amityville: The Awakening
A Body Part is Sawed Off – Saw: Legacy
Floating Cup – A Ghost Story (Ed. Actual film, actual title)
Leatherface Ballroom Dancing – Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Masquerade Ball
TV Didn’t Record the Game – Rings aka The Ring 2 aka Ring-Ring-7-Days-Mofo
Paranormal Activity 27 Teaser – Insidious Chapter 4: Further Conjurings of the Sinister
Zombies Eat an Iced Dessert – Resident Evil: Vien(d)etta
WINNER: TWO LIMBS (THE LEGS) ARE CUT OFF – LIMB CUTTER: LEG(LESS)ACY
Transformers > The Last of the Mojitos
Donkey Kong; Skull Island of the Apes
Star Wars: The Last Jedi Knight
WINNER: JUMANJI: WELCOME 2 DA JUNGLE, BITCH
Sound Mixing and Sound Editing
Star Wars: The Last Samurai Knight
Alien: Covenant, But Not the Ones From Halo
Transformers: The Last Jewdi
WINNER: BLADE RUNNER 2049: A GOOD DAY TO DECK-(H)ARD
Best Oscars Host
WINNER: NICOLAS KIM COPPOLA CAGE
As the one and only host of the Oscar Academy Awards since 1995, how could it possibly be anyone else? All hail.
Music (Original Score)
John Williams – Star Wars: The Last Jeezy
Howard Shore – The Silmarillion (Unreleased)
Hans Zimmerman – SlamDunkirk
John Carpenter – Limb Cutter: Leg(less)acy
WINNER: DAVID HASSLLEHOFF AND PAMELA ANDERSON – BAYWATCH
NB: They should rename John Carpenter John Director-and-Soundtrack-Composer, since that is what he does.
Music (Original Song)
Guns n’ Rockses – Welcome to the Jumanji – Jumanji – Welcome to the Jungle
Justin Timeforcake – Song – Song to Song aka Song 2 Song
Katy Perrier – Song 2 – Song to Song aka Song 2 Song
The Blue Brothers – Smurfin’ Bird – Smurfs: The Lost Village
WINNER: SMASHMOUTH – EVERYTHING IS DIM-SUM – THE LEGO NINJAGO MOVIE
Make Up and Hairstyling
Goon: Last of the Enforcers
Sixty-Nine Shades Danker
King Arthur: Leg Ends of the Sword
WINNER: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAPAGOS VOL. 2
Foreign Language Film
The Great Wall
Tom Of Iceland
WINNER: JACKIE CHAN’S 136th FILM
Cries From Syria
An Inconvenient Sequel: The World is Ending Even More aka An Inconvenient Truth 2: You Say You Wanted Less Pollution, Well You Know, We All Want to Change the World’s… CO2 levels (original title)
The Mak(chete)ing Of Limb Cutter: Leg(less)acy
Flat Earth: The Horizon is the Limit
WINNER: GO VEGAN, UNLESS YOU HATE THE EARTH AND LITERALLY ALL ANIMALS
Exclusive Top Secret Sneak Peak Clip from the Al Gore, Michael Moore, Werner Herzoig, Louis Theroux, Martin Luther King Jnr, and David Attenborough documentary collaboration Go Vegan, Unless You Hate The Earth and Literally All Animals.
Paula Thomas And-her-son – Untitled Paul Thomas Anderson Project
Nicolas Cage – The Silmarillion (unreleased)
Steven Stealberg – Schindler’s List 2: He Knows Who Has Been Naughty, He Knows Who Has Been Reich
Christopher Stolen – Dunkirkdouglas
Sofia Coppola, relation of Nicolas Kim Coppola Cage – The Beguiled
WINNER: MOST CROSS-SECTIONAL REPRESENTATIVE DIRECTOR WORKING TODAY – Drama Film Hugely Popular Among the 20-40 Year Old Liberals, Also a Cannes Darling
STOLEN BY: STEVEN STEALBERG FOR HIS FILM, SCHINDLER’S LIST 2: HE KNOWS WHO HAS BEEN NAUGHTY, HE KNOWS WHO HAS BEEN REICH
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie
Pirates of the Caribbean the 5th: Drunken Sailors Tell No Tales In Davy Jones’ Locker
Beauty and the Beast: 50 Shades Furrier
WINNER: 50 SHADES DICKER: CHRISTIAN GRAY DROPS THE R FROM HIS SURNAME
… is like way boring, the director is more important and the only person behind the camera anyone cares about so why cover the cinematographer at all AM I RIGHT?
But no, Kink Kong vs Tarzan: Rise of the Island of the Apes will probably win, let’s be honest here. That or Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Scurvy of The Lost City of Z-lantis.
Animated Feature Film
Donald Trump Satire Film Boss Baby
The LEGO Batman Movie
Smurfs: The Lost Village
The LEG’S-GONE-OH-NO Limbcutter Movie
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie of Many, We Truly Hope
The LEGO Ninjagu Movie
Despicable Me/ Despicable M3
The LEGO(LAS) Lord of the Rings Movie
WINNER: CARS 3: YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTIONS-PER-MINUTE
Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Scarlett Johandsome – Ghost in the Shell
Jennifer Fishburne – Overrated David O. Russell Project
Charlize ‘Angels’ Theron – Mad Maxine: Furiosa Road
Viola Davis – Fences 2: Knock It Outta the Park
WINNER: MERYL STREEP – NO FILM. JUST HER GOING ABOUT THE SHOPS AND THAT.
Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Mark Hamill – Star Wars: The Last Starfighter
Dwayne ‘Rocky IV’ Johnson – Faster and Furiouser Eight: 0-60 in 5 Bench Press Reps
Donnie ¥en – Triple xXx: Return of XXXander Cage, All Over Again… Again
Lawrence Fishburne – John Wickerman 2: Chapter 2
WINNER: MAHERSAHLA ALI – MOONLIGHT II: BAD(BOYS II) MOON RISES
Female Actor in a Leading Role
Scarlett Johanasson – Glendagarry Glenda Ross
Mascarpone Larsson – Glendagarry Glenda Ross
Lupita Nyongo – Glendagarry Glenda Ross
Emma Thompson – Glendagarry Glenda Ross
WINNER: EMMA STONED – GLENDAGARRY GLENDA ROSS*
*The as yet unannounced all-female remake of Glengarry Glen Ross (1996) will be a smash hit, following in the wake of gender swapping all female remakes of Ghostbusters, Ocean’s 11, and the Gladiator reboot G-lass-iator, but somehow outdoing them all.
Best Scarlett Johansson, She’s in Everything Right Now
Scarlett Johannson – Sing
Scarletter Johansson – Rough Night
Dwayne Joh(a)n(s)son – Isle of Dogs
Scarflett Johnhansson – Ghost in the Shell
WINNER: SCARLETT O’HARA-SON – LIMB CUTTER: HOW ABOUT I HACK YOU, INSTEAD*
*An as yet unannounced revenge horror thriller and the twelfth film in the Limb Cutter series in which Scarlett ‘Fever’ Johanneson – with the aid of Limb Cutter himself – brutally axe murders those responsible for hacking into her phone and leaking her pictures. Tagline: ‘She got leaked. Now she’s gonna leak… their BLOOD!” Hollywood’s defiant answer to Elle starring Isabelle Huppert.
Male Actor in a Leading Role
Johnny Deep Blue Sea – Pirates of the Caribbean IIIII: Rum-kirk
Vein Diesel – Mission-xXx-Possible: Return of Xander’s Unlicensed Cage Fights
Dwayne The Flinstones – Babewatch
Pharrell Williams – The Pharell Williams Life Story
WINNER: TOMMY WISEAU – THE DISASTER ARTISTS
Best Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Casting
Dwayne Johnstone – GTA: San Andreas 2
Dwayne Johnrock – Journey 3: From the Earth to the Moon, and Then Some
Dwarf Rocksmith – Centralised Intelligences
Dwayne’s Johnson – The Great British Baywatch
Dew Mountain – The Fast and The Fuhrer-ist: Audis, BMWs, and Volkswagen-mobiles
Dwayne Jacksonville – Big Trouble in Little China Remake Without Kurt Russel
WINNER: DWAYNE JONESTOWN MASSACRE – JUMANJI: AMERICAN JUNGALOW
Lifetime Achievement Award
WINNER: ROGER CORMAN
In a career spanning some sixty five years, producer-cum-actor-cum-director-cum-writer-cum-talk show interviewee-cum-miscellaneous crew member Roger Corman has worked on over 450 (four hundred and fifty, no joke) motion pictures. He single-handedly brought to the screen such six star platinum rated classics as the original The Fast and the Furious (1955), Monster from the Ocean Floor (1954), Hot Car Girl (1958), The Student Nurses (1970), Big Bad Mama (1974), the original Death Race called Death Race 2000 (1975) as well as all the other Death Race films starring Jason Stakehamlet, the video game prequel Grand Theft Auto (1977), Deathsport (1977), Piranha (1978), The Valentines Day Massacre (1967), The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Roger Corman’s Frankenstein Unbound (1990), The Children’s Birthday Party Massacre (1979), Carnosaur (1993), Dinocroc (2004), the original version of The Fantastic Four (1994) without which we would never have cracked interdimensional travel in F4ntastic (2015), A Bucket of Blood (1959), Limb Partial Remover (1962) the progenitor and sole inspiration of Tom Bruce’s billion dollar Limb Cutter franchise, The Premature Burial (1962), The Wasp Woman (1959), Sharktopus (2010), Gas-s-s-s-s (1970), She Gods of Shark Reef (1958), Dinoshark (2010), Dinocroc vs Supergator (2010), Sharktopus vs Pterocuda (2014), Bloodfist 2050 (2005), A Very Unlucky Leprechaun (1998) which of course spawned the offshoot cereal brand Lucky Charms and well as the cereal killer series Leprechaun (Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun In the Hood, Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood), X: The Man With the X-Ray Eyes (1963), Private Duty Nurses (1973), Women in Cages (1971), The Final Comedown (1972), the soundtrack of which is still played out at rave after parties to this day, Candy Stripe Nurses (1974), Cover Girl Models Who Are Also Nurses (1975), Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986) the cheaply produced but superior adaptation of Stephen King’s book The Shining, Munchies (1987), Slumber Party Massacre III (1990), Baby Shower Massacre VI (1999), and who could forget The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Journey to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957)? And who could also forget his 432 other films? Not me. I think we can all agree that’s a life well lived. More like Roger Cor’Blimey-that’s a lot of bloody films he’s made-man!
NB: Presumably during the actual ceremony the entire 450+ filmography of Roger Corman will be read aloud by Jack Nicholson, who of course got his big break courtesy of Corman in the movie Little Shop of Horrors (1960).
Animal in a Supporting Role
Moby Dick – Pirates of the Caribbean Part… 5?: Moby Dick Walks the Plank-ton
Gorilla! – The Zookeeper’s Wife
Panda Bear – The Zookeeper’s Wife
The Long Mover aka ‘Snake’ – The Zookeeper’s Wife
WINNER: GALLANT WARHORSE – DUNGKIRK
Animal in a Leading Role
The Beast – Beauty and the Beastiality
Purposeful Dog – A Dog’s Purpose
Surly the Squirrel – The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature
John Wick 2’s Dog, Buster – John Wick Chapter 2
WINNER: LUDACRIS AS A ROTTWEILER – SHOW DOGS
Nic Cage Annual Appreciation Award
WINNER: NICOLAS KIM COPPOLA CAGE
For his masterclass acting work in Vengeance: A Love Story, The Humanity Bureau, Mom and Dad, Looking Glass, Inconceivable, his raconteur and showman abilities in The Academy Awards 2018, and his work producing, adapting, directing, and starring in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion, which was sadly kept from release because Peter Jackson owns the rights and is currently sat at home plotting to spoil that book in the coming years by splitting in into seven films.
Most Number of Car Crashes
F8 – The Fist and The Foxiest – The F8 of the Furries
xXx: The Re-Return of Xander Nic Cage
Transformers: The Age of Megultron
Kongnan The Skullbarian: Island of the Apes
WINNER: DEMOLITION DERBY XVIII – YEEHAW BOY, LET’S CRASH SOME CARS!
WINNER: ROMAN POLANSKI
As exiled Chinatown director Roman Polanski arrives to collect his award, the red carpet rug will be pulled from under his feet and the FBI will pounce. “Just kidding, Roman!”, Mel Gibson will yell as he kicks him viciously in the ribs. “Did we say ‘Repatriation’? I think we meant to say ‘Extradition from Europe for Historic Child Molestation Charges. Take him away, boys”. Polanski’s reluctant acceptance of this long overdue award is a hit with the crowd, and he is showered with cups of what look like champagne from the Hollywood A-listers in attendance, including Angelina Jet-Lee, Jamie ‘Fantastic Mr’ Foxxx and Russell’s a Crow, as he’s dragged from the iconic Dolby Theatre in the heart of Downtown Los Angeles.
King Kong: War of the Island of the Skulls
Vengeance: A Love Story – starring with Nicolas Cage
Untitled Paula, Thomas, And Their Son Picture Starring Daniel John Lewis
F8: The Fat and The Fastiest Eight – The Fateful Eight
The Disaster Artist
War On the Planetarium Occupied by the Apes and Tarzan Part 2: Banarmageddon
Limb Cutter: Leg(less)acy
Prats of the Carabiner… Five!: Who Killed Ahab? Sponsored by Kraken Spiced Rum
WINNER: LA MOON LA LIGHT
The stage is flooded by all the producers, directors, cast, and extended crew (including gaffers and duct tapes, best boys, best girls, seamstresses, and catering staff from Burbank Caterers and Boyz In the Kitchen) from the films Moonlight and La La Land, all of them having received complimentary tickets to the 2018 Oscars as compensation for last year’s catastrophic movie mix-up.
A huge punch up breaks out, mainly between the cooking staff, who maintain that their expert preparation of quality on set meals using only the freshest seasonal ingredients are what contribute more than anything else to the artistic achievements we eventually see on screen. How can Robert’s Drowning Jnr. or Scarlett Johannesburg be superheroes in the A-Team Revengers without the proper vitamin intake? They can’t, that’s how.
In a blaze of glory emulating their joint most famous movie moment, Bonnie and Clyde stars Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, who were given the opportunity by the Academy to redeem themselves of the 2017 Best Picture announcement fiasco, pull out authentic 1930s ‘Tommy’ machine guns and mow down almost every person on stage before being blown away by American Sniper starring Bradley Cooper directed by Clint Eastwood.
Ceremony Ends. Having missed his cue by 2 hours, an in-costume-as-Han Solo Harrison Ford crashes his plane into the Dolby theatre – he was supposed to do a flyover during the Star Wars vs Blade Runner musical number mashup. Sombre* atmosphere at the afterparties, because Limb Cutter: Leg(less)acy was expected to take home Best Picture.
*All except for the Google+ sponsored ‘VR Dead Hollywood Hellraisers Hologram Hullabaloo’ that is, where three-dimensional holographic incarnations of Robin Williams, Carrie Fisher, Orson Welles, Richard Burton, and Marlon Brando strut about taking virtual shots of tequila mixed with blood and throwing up on each other. The recently deceased Harrison Ford’s hologram, wearing a cardboard Millenium Falcon around his waist, is seen careening through a group of tray-carrying waiters dressed as asteroids, yelling “Never tell me the hors d’ouevres!”
Around 3am they are joined by the freshly killed, bullet ridden corpses of Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty; Beatty is the zombie-thrall of the man-witch David Blaine, while Dunaway’s cadaver has been hollowed out and is now being occupied by master performance capture artist Andy Serkis (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, King Kong, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, War of the Planet of the Apes, Cancer Diagnosis for the Planet of the Apes, Rapture Day of the Planet of the Apes, Monkeys on Mars: Conquest for a New Planet of the Apes, The Jungle Book), to much laughter and applause.
Nicolas Cage gets hammered during an arm wrestling contest with Dwayne Johnson and later on kills Roman Polanski, for which he serves a night in the local drunk tank. He writes an award winning one-man play about the event, called, “Between The Rock and a Hard Place… to Spend the Night“.
God Bless The Oscars.
ONLY LESS THAN A YEAR TO GO PEOPLE!
Please leave a comment telling me your top predictions for Oscar 2018.
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the motion pictures!