FRIDAY, LOS ANGELES – In a stunningly aggressive and bold business move that has left content giants HBO GO and Amazon Video reeling, Netflix has announced that it will soon be implementing a platform-changing new feature to its popular internet-based streaming service. From early next month, customers subscribing to the online content giant, as well as the several million additional users who leech off said paying customers’ accounts, will be able to demand custom-made original television shows from scratch, which will then be written, produced, and published to the Netflix service in short order.
Having blazed a trail for New Media companies by creating its own internal studio system for the churning out of films and TV shows which it self-publishes directly to the site/app, Marvel-collaborators Netflix are now taking their domination of the internet entertainment market to the next level: by giving the user the choice not only of what to watch and when, but of what is actually made and when. Since mid-2016 the company has been steadily cranking out an average of two live action drama seasons, one anime season, one full length motion picture, and seventeen stand-up comedy specials – per week. But with Commissioned Content the growth could be exponential – possibly infinite!
Not satisfied with their unprecedented flooding of the market, Marvel co-conspirators Netflix are now hoping to permanently eradicate the relevance of terrestrial television services by giving their customers the power to, on a whim, demand new fresh and exciting content which will go immediately into production regardless of artistic merit, commercial viability, cost, or general audience interest. If one person wants it, then one person gets it – and starring with the almighty Kevin Spacey and Bob ‘Better Call Saul’ Odenkirk, no less.
Netflix CEO and Forbes 1000 member Samuel Crooken-Bergstein had this to say at the announcement conference, which was live streamed using VR technology exclusively via Netflix earlier this morning: “We’re all very excited to be handing over such enormous power to the people, which is of course where it belongs. In the coming months and years we want you to force us to completely overwhelm our servers with dizzying amounts of totally original content that can be watched at home or on-the-go”.
Proudly readjusting his VR headset, the Netflix boss added: “I know I speak for the whole Netflix team when I say that we simply cannot wait to see what kinds of shows our audience is going to tell us to make, to absurdly strict deadlines and with the most outrageous budgets – we’ll no doubt be inundated with requests for TV versions of Silver Linings Playbook or The Last of Us video game, and frankly we’d expect no less”.
Not one to shy away from competition, Croooken-Bergenstein proudly added that: “Our new Netflix coffin-streaming feature should prove a good testing ground – or, haha, underground – for the tsunami of new content that is on its way, and will be much more popular than Am-A-Zombie-Video [Amazon Video’s Coffin Service], I fucking damn well guarantee it”.
As the CEO alluded to, roughly thirty people are accidentally buried alive each day, having been misdiagnosed with death, when in fact they are merely in a New Content induced stupor, having been laid out on the sofa for several continuous weeks in a bid to keep abreast of the constantly arriving and critically acclaimed new content released by Netflix. Therefore, coffins with in-built screens will prove popular among the falsely declared dead, who will be able to watch all the new fan commissioned content which will come out of the Commissioned Content update, and give them a five star rating.
Speaking in a bitter tone of voice, Netflix founder Narcoslas ‘House of DVDs’ Hemlock said: “I can’t believe I took that puny cheque for the company back in 09′ when it was still largely a video rent-by-post service. I could have been somebody. I could have been the man who made additional seasons of formerly cancelled shows, turned classic cult films into lengthy television series, released my own original shows to rival the very best of network television, permanently destroyed medium-budget independent cinema, and promoted the hard – but hilarious – work of over three hundred world class stand-up comedians… I could have been the man who did all that and also let his customers fill in a short online form outlining what fresh, original, and exciting new content they wanted to see, who they wanted to see starring in it, and how little or how much they wanted to be forced to think while viewing it. Now all I have is only close to a billion dollars and my whole life ahead of me.”.
The Commissioned Content feature will no doubt bring hordes of new customers to the hugely popular streaming site/app, not to mention the millions of additional hangers on that will continue to abuse the generosity of their friends and family by never paying any form of reparation despite probably using Netflix even more than the original account owners.
In the closing statements of his speech today, Samuel Crooken-Burgstein pitched this tantalising scenario, one which content lovers will no doubt lap up like thirsty dogs: “Imagine you’re at home, in bed, and watching The Girl on a Train from 2016 starring Emily Blunt. “Yeah, this is a great movie”, you’ll say out loud to yourself or to the loved one you have recently sexed, “But what if I want to spend more time with these fascinating characters? Do I just have to watch the movie all over again repeatedly, without ever gaining any more insight into Emily Blunt’s character’s world through additional and unnecessary sub-plots, flashbacks, excessive exposition, and an ever expanding supporting cast?” No, you do not. Because with Commissioned Content you will be able to right then and there order a pilot episode and eleven additional episodes of ‘The Girl On the Train – The Netflix Originals Commissioned Content Series’, plus a 3-D Virtual Reality Christmas special. Soon – say, three to four months – you will have roughly 13 hours of highly original, fresh, and exciting online content, instantly streamable all at once, without any ads or the fuckery of waiting around a week at a time for each new episode to air, by which time you would have no doubt read leaked spoilers on reddit or The Daily Beast. Screw that!”
Then, almost as an afterthought: “Oh, and if you thought it was easy enough to get laid with someone you’re attracted to by watching Dexter Seasons 1-9 with them before, just wait until you see how easy it is to get laid by them when watching a feature length film called ‘Netflix Originals Commissioned Content Presents: Marvel’s Dexter – Knife to Meet You’, commissioned by you. It’ll be easy as hell, son!”
Responding to Guardian Film correspondent Libby McLiberal, who asked the media demagogue via Virtual Telekinesis technology if he had “any concerns that such a mass output of rushed material could cause detriment to the overall quality of cinema, and produce a culture in which the public’s critical abilities are reduced to nil” (or some such liberal over-thinking nonsense), the all powerful CEO, executive, and Marvel sympathiser quipped: “It’s 2017. Either you create content, or you consume content, or you can get out!” And quite right he is, too.
While the world awaits Netlfix’s ‘Commissioned Content’ feature next month, paying customers – and the scum sucking filth that ‘share’ their accounts – can indulge themselves with the Netflix+UberEats team-up ‘All You Can Eat and Watch’ challenge, in which Uber drones deliver a fresh care package of steaming hot takeaway grub for every season of Netflix Originals TV watched by the viewer. The type of cuisine is decided by the show: Narcos means Wahaca, Marco Polo equates to Mongolian Barbecue, while the Arrested Development Season 4 continuation earns you a nice steaming pile of shit.