Hollywood, California: This time last week, earlier today, kings of Hollywood Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks made the incredible announcement that have put themselves forward for a cutting edge new surgery in which expert Californian surgeons will attempt to combine the best parts of both actors into a single body. The news has sent shock waves through the filmmaking community, not to mention their families. Of course, to many millions of loyal fans, they are family.
Hanks, the elder of the two and the superior because of the two Oscars he has to Cruise’s none, had this to say after booking himself in for the ultra-risky operation: “Hi, I’m Tom Hanks, actor-director-producer and star of some of your all time personal favourite films. Big, anyone? Turner and Hooch? Toy Story 3, people? The Simpson’s Movie, in which I appeared as me, Tom Hanks? Splash, anybody? Anyway, myself and Tom Cruise were having dinner last week, weren’t we Tom…?”
To confirm, super action man Tom Cruise spelled out the words “You’re damn right we were. I had a salad” in red, white, and blue smoke (a reference to his patriotic pro-war film Born on the Fourth of July) which was being propelled from the back of one of his five personal fighter jets. Cruise has had a pilot’s license since 1986’s Top Gun, when he asked for one to make his character more believable. His request was granted by the US Air Force, although he never did undergo any formal training, opting instead to watch his stunt-double Nicolas Cage perform the death-defying plane manoeuvres from the safety of the lot. Did you know Cruise is also an award winning mixologist with his own chain of high-end bars? You have the film Cocktail (1998) to thank for that.
After pausing a moment to enjoy the aerial display, Tom Hanks continued: “And we were both discussing our hugely successful careers. Our ongoing popularity appears to have no limit, but if we realised that if were both in the same film then those films would be twice as good and make twice as much money at the all important Box Office. That’s logic. So then, you know, we said, “What if we were not only in the same film together, but we were together in the same film. If we were literally the same person, there’s no end to what we could achieve within the realm of motion pictures”. So Tom Cruise got right on it and asked his Scientology™ business partners to look into the possibility of splicing our consciousnesses into the same body”.
Combining the best parts of Tom Cruise’s peak condition musculature and A-List hair with Hanks’ charming family man looks and comforting, All-American voice, Los Angeles surgeons aim to create the ultimate movie star. A Box-Office Beast that can command tens of millions, maybe even billions of dollars, for every performance – including one-scene cameos and talk show appearances.
The planned operation, which is set to take place next month and be filmed by the Mission Impossibles director Brad Bird and which will be called Mission Incision-possible, has sparked violent rioting from Creationists, and stirred a deep turmoil within the Screen Actor’s Guild. Members of SAG, headed by president Alec Baldwein, complain that they will no longer have a chance of winning a Best Actor Oscar ever again. Meanwhile, IMDb has as of yet been unable to merge the two Toms’ concurrent filmographies into one account, which they will have to do, as the two film acting heroes will soon be the same person: Tomm Cranks. And as for Wikipedia, it’s chaos.
Prior to the highly-technological, dangerously complicated operation – which, if it goes wrong, could kill both Toms and leave acting men Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddlestoned as the only Toms in the business – there are plans to replicate both Cruise and Hanks in their current states. A mass cloning of Tom “You Snooze You Lose, You Work Hard You” Cruise would allow him to be in every action film that is made in the world, much like they’ve already done with Dwayne “The Scorpion King” Johnson. Rather than only the Jack Reachers franchise, and the Mission Improbably saga, and The Mummy reboot, Tom Cruise “Missile” could be in other ones as well, like Baywatch 2 and the 2018 reboot of Tina Mutant Ninja Turners.
And if there were a hundred plus copies of Tom Hanks, they could be proliferated to every studio in Hollywood, meaning he could produce another HBO War Drama series like Band of Brothers (maybe in Vietnam this time?) while simultaneously delivering faultless acting performances in a number of other critically acclaimed motion pictures.
Director Steven Stealberg, known from making such great films as Stealing Private Ryan, Jewls, The Loot World: Jurassic Park, ET: The Extra Thief-restial, and Schindler’s List of Things to Steal, has made clear his intentions to continue to work with his dear friend/ collaborator Tom Hanks in a posthumous capacity. Said the immortal Stealberg in an interview with Rolling Stone* last week: “Tom Hanks is one of my closest friends, relationship counsellors, motion picture collaborators, and fellow cat burglars. When you’ve got him in films like Catch Me if You Can (You Can’t) directed with me, or Forrest Gump, which would have been better had I directed it, your success is guaranteed. So yes, long after he and his clones are dead and buried, I will continue to exhume his corpse(s) and cast him as the lead actor in films spanning a wide range of genres. Tom Hanks will live on: as Hankenstein”.
[*Rolling Stone magazine, not the same one that was in his film Indiana Cajones: Raiders of the Lost Ark]
Stealberg has also done films starred by Tom “Five Day Booze” Cruise, so he would probably get him in as an acting man on a variety of originals titles, or even a new The Nutty Professor. Of course, Eddie Murphy paved the way for movie star cloning by playing every character in that film, and the second one, but it’s well overdue a remake at this point. And who better to do it than seventeen exact copies of action man Tom Cruise?
Tomm Cranks will be appearing in a cinema near you in Summer 2017.