In the best news since a slice of bread, Universal Studios have purchased the rights for the legendary Limb Cutter film series, the scripts for which have been gathering dust on the fabled Hollywood Black List for several years. In an aid to bolster their classic Universal Monsters revival – which will include reboots of The Mummy starring Tom ‘Not Possible’ Cruise, The Invisible Man, and Untitled Creature From the Black Lagoon Film – the motion picture behemoth will be incorporating Limb Cutter into its ambitious new series, which is set to kick off in late 2017. Universal are renowned for their highly profitable franchise titles, ones like the Jurassic Parks and also others, so box office number-crunchers had better prepare for yet another multi-multi-billion dollar film series with fresh instalments every six to twelve months for the next decade.
Written by a mystery writer going by the initials MQ, the Limb Cutter series has been a source of widespread rumour and fervent anticipation since a snippet of the first screenplay was leaked by Julian Assange back in 2010. What followed was a veritable torrent – a tsunami, even – of speculation over the possible identity of the author. In the wake of the leak, myriad Limb Cutter fan-fictions and graphic novels were published online, while cosplay events began popping up all around the globe. Now that the deal is locked, it seems Limb Cutter-heads will be treated to not one, not two, not four, not three, not twenty six, but twenty five feature length films about the gruesome escapades of the titular Limb Cutter, as he goes on his way doing what he does best: cutting off limbs, and tossing them in a bag with other limbs he has previously cut off.
Renowned Horror film director Eli Roth has been hired to shoot at least the first five films, but his lucrative open ended contract could allow him to extend that to as many as ten additional sequels/prequels/spin-offs/remakes. Dubbed the founder of the Torture-Porn genre for his sickening and divisive Hostel films, the depraved Tarantino fanboy claims to have dropped a directorial commitment to yet another remake of a 1980s horror film starring his wife, Loranza Izzo, while half-way through shooting.
Roth, whom Pulp Fiction auteur Quentin Tarantino accidentally cast in Inglorious Basterds thinking him to be the son of long-term friend and collaborator Tim Roth (“I thought it would be a nice gesture to Tim” – QT), had this to say of the Limb Cutter script: “Yeah, I was pretty much about to wrap on Night of the Living Lesbo-Zombies or some shit when someone slipped MQ’s script under my door. I’m awesome so I read it in one sitting while practising piano, which I’ve been taking lessons for recently, and knew right then I had to drop all my other projects and make this film right away. It speaks to my inner child. More specifically, to that inner child’s incessant demand for bloody, hyper-sexualised violence”.
Ever the raconteur, Roth regaled a room full of adoring film journos with exactly the type of behind the scenes gold they crave: “I got straight on the phone to Quentin – that’s Quentin Tarantino, to normies – and told him about the script. Before you could say “This coffee tastes like SHIT, Penny!” he’d said “This fucking coffee tastes like absolute fucking SHIT, Penny!”. Penny is his secretary. He also threw in an N-word because he’s the kind of guy that can get away with that, knowing Samuel Jackson an all. That’s Samuel L. Jackson, to regular people. Anyway, he was too busy swearing about his crappy coffee and beating some studio errand boy’s ass for breathing near him to actually hear me out, so I decided not to offer him a co-directing chair and took on the Limb Cutter project all by myself. And what a project it is, lemme tell ya!”
After numerous attempts to contact the elusive MQ failed, Eli Roth, his producer brother Gabriel, and their team of horror heads decided to start prepping the script for a quick low-budget shoot in the LA Canyons. It was only then that MQ stepped forward to present them with a further twenty four feature length Limb Cutter scripts, under the proviso that not a single word would be changed from start to finish.
They all agreed, and Roth pitched the twenty-film plus plan to MGM and New Line Cinema. The heads of both studios are considered criminally culpable for The Hobbit trilogy, and they told Roth to come back when he’d put a Hobbit in there somewhere. Roth told them that there will be six Limb Cutter vs Leprechaun films in there and was that good enough? They told him in no uncertain words – and with unforgiving New Zealand accents – to fuck off, mate, so he limped his deal over to Universal Studios, who promptly snapped it up in much the same way as one of Limb Cutter’s bear traps snaps up the leg of yet another hapless victim. Or maybe should that be ‘hopfull’, since they’ll be hopping on one leg from now on. Or at least for a little bit, until Limb Cutter cuts off the rest of their limbs, as is his custom.
Hip Hop artist Stitches, otherwise known as The Pride of Miami, has been hired to write the theme song for the first Limb Cutter. Rap heads and film buffs can look forward to some cutting lyrics that will slice right through the psyche of the listener. Quite probably the song’s content will allude to the gruesome subject of limb removal which is Limb Cutter’s bread and butt(ch)er. Thanks to one of his many stalkers, who took a photo of the urban music mogul from 500 yards away while he was jotting rhymes in a notepad, we can enjoy a preview peek at the kind of Limb Cutter-related wordplay that Stitches will deliver with the iconic syncopated aggression he established in his smash hit ‘Brick in Yo Face’:
Uh, Uh, what it is, yo, listen, fuck, what up!
My name is Stitches and I’m here to say,
If you see Limb Cutter you’re gonna have a bad day.
He’ll cut one limb and then another limb,
His best friend’s Reaper, his surname’s Grim.
Packin’ bags full of legs,
Draggin’ sacks full of arms,
For other crazy killers he leaves only da dregs,
If he’s coming for ya, you’d better sing some Psalms.
Limb Cutter’s savage and he chops all night,
He’ll creep in your room and give you a fright,
By cutting off each of ya limbs one by one,
And he’ll be laughing cuz cutting limbs is fun,
It don’t matter if you got a knife, or a sword, or an axe, or a gun,
Ol’ Cutter will cause blood loss (from removing your arms and legs) until you go numb!
When he’s on his top form, as he clearly was the day he wrote the above, there’s no touching Stitches. Not even Mos Def and MF Doom can compare. The world awaits the full track with baited breath, and with luck his recent arrest for possession of marijuana and loaded firearms while illegally parked in a disabled spot should not interfere with the recording of this song or his career in general.
Going back to the film itself, now: when can the rabid, movie-devouring public expect to catch their first glim(b)pse of Limb Cutter in a cinema near them? Soon. Unless they die before it comes out, in which case the answer would be: Never. Eli Roth and co. are at present gearing up for an arduous back-to-back ten year shoot in Chilewood, a joint Spanish-English production house in the heart of Chile where tax breaks and slave labour allow for rapid filmmaking at dirt cheap prices. In fact, the set’s construction crew are actually being paid in soil.
In his closing remarks last Friday the 13th, which of course is the only day/date combo on which Roth will speak publicly, he expressed his excitement at bringing this new universe to life… and it many inhabitants to death: “Limb Cutter is going to take the Torture Porn Horror into the next dimension… but we’re not just gonna be making 3D films. There will be no gimmicks here. This is the real deal, bigger and bloodier and better than any horror film series that has come before. Dracula can suck it! And as for Leatherface, he can…fucking… go to mass… in an acre of field… in Texas! Yeah! Alright everybody, that’s a wrap. I asked for a burrito, dammit, not a fucking wrap! Get this out of my face!”
Limb Cutter is due for release at 6pm on the 6th of June, 2018.
Update: In what has now become a viral phenomenon, Limb Cutter’s marketing team have used concrete pouring technology to fill in every single movie star hand print on the Leicester Square Walk of Fame. The outrageous prank, which everyone who witnessed it immediately recognised as a stroke of comic genius, was that if Limb Cutter were on the prowl in Central London none of the absurdly famous people whose lifeless hand imprints litter the pavement outside of the ODEON and VUE cinema chains – names such Angelina Jet-Li, Silkvester Calzone, Tom ‘I Do My Own Stunts’ Cruise, Jennifer Coleslaw-rence, Steven Stealberg, or Cate Blanket – would have any hand-bearing limbs with which to permanently mark themselves onto a paving slab.
Update #2: Double Oscar winner Kevin Spacey later came forward to reveal that over half of the prints were actually just remarkable hand impressions done by none other than himself. What a guy! What a talent! White House of West Wing Season 4 is out now.
Editor’s Note: If you did not understand this article, see the Limb Cutter origins post.