In a shocking instance of colleague backstabbing, international superstar model Cara Delevigne today confirmed rumours that actor Dane DeHaan was “absolute fucking lit” on the day when they were posing for promotional pictures of ‘Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets’. Without prompting Ms Delevigne, the genetic freak turned screen ‘actor’ , came right out and told the frenzied attendees of a ‘Valerian’ press junket in New York that she was “surprised he could even stand up that day, he was so off his tits”.
Since the first production stills of the film were released online fans of DeHaan (self-branded DeFaans) have suspected that their favourite currently popular male film star was consuming a steady intake of illegally purchased pharmaceuticals during principal photography for Luc Besson’s ostentatiously named comic book adaptation ‘Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets’ – or, to state its full title, ‘Luc Besson Productions Presents: The Astounding Adventures of Valerian, His Girlfriend, His Mother, And His Dog, and Their Incredible Voyage to the City of a Thousand Rise of the Planets After the Earth of the Avatars – Chapter One of Part I of IV’.
But with the appearance online of a staged promotional photograph featuring Delevigne and a bleary eyed, obviously hungover DeHaan standing back to back in their official ‘Valerian’ costumes, the rumours surrounding his mass drug use were all but confirmed. Now, with testimony from professional eyebrow-raiser Delevigne, the suspicions about his non-stop speedballing, crack smoking, boozing, tab munching and pill popping were all but… they were confirmed. They were just confirmed.
In recent years Dane DeHaan has built up a reputation as something of a hell raiser, a 21st century Richard Burton. For instance, the babyfaced man actor was nicknamed Dane De’athwish’Haan by the crew of ‘Kill Your Darlings’ owing to his penchant for wanton hedonism. This self-destructive behaviour caused severe delays during production of the film all the way from rehearsals right up until the Blu-Ray release. According to fellow beatnik impersonator Daniel Radcliffe (Harry’s Pot, Harry’s Pot 2) DeHaan put away two entire hotel mini-fridge’s worth of alcohol and salted confectionary while they were recording the DVD commentary for their Alan Ginsberg biopic.
Worse was to come on the set of ‘Life After Beth’, where his fellow cast members came to refer to him as Dane ‘O’DeHaan in honour of his prodigious intake of heroin powder between takes: on multiple occasions he required emergency treatment from first responders. This literally lethal opiod habit was purportedly a form of method acting, a way of, in his words ‘perfecting the craft’. DeHaan was portraying a man whose girlfriend returns from the grave, therefore his death-like appearance, achieved through physically dying and being revived at the last second, was apparently integral to the performance and the credibility of the film. In retrospect this excuse makes no sense since he wasn’t even the one playing the zombie. Regardless, his fervent commitment to the role via copious substance abuse was even more impressive than his S&S (steroids and synthol) phase for the movie ‘Pain and Gain’.
Danger may not be DeHaan’s middle name but it genuinely is his first. Many fans may not know that he was christened Danger DeHaan by his carnival worker parents, but what did they think Dane was short for? Danish?! Whatever the case may be, Cara Delevigne has officially stated that he lived up to his name on the set of ‘Valerian’, and then some. “He was blitzed 24/7, no kidding. I’ve heard the stories about Downey Jnr. in the 80s, but that’s nothing – do you hear me? – nothing compared with the level of constant psychotic inebriation which Dane maintained on set”, the prolific billboard appearer stated, before heading off to a triple Michelin-starred restaurant and ordering the tomato soup with rustic bread.
It’s no secret that Dane DeHaan has a morbid obsession for Hollywood icon James Dean. DeHaan, who cites Dean as his sole inspiration for acting, went as far as starring in ‘Life’ a drama about the last days of Dean’s life – yet another pitiable attempt to align himself with the long dead movie legend. Now 31, Dane’s failure to make it into the infamous ’27 Club’ and join James Dean in the blissful communion of eternal nothingness has led him down a path of utter and complete nihilistic chaos. Hence why he looks whacked out of his fucking mind in every photo taken on the set of ‘Valerian and the Sinful City of a Thousand Furious Guardians of the Planets of the Ape-atars and their Intergalactic Wars with the Batpool…Super Women….From Space…. 3-D’.
At the time of going to press (as in pressing the post button on this blog), the ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’ actor Dane DeHaan was unavailable for comment concerning his rampant abuse of intoxicants while fulfilling his ‘Valerian’ filming contract (which he blatantly only took to fund his outrageous aspirin bills). His lack of denial of the claims made within this article excludes any possibility of legal ramification for Movie Quibble, and is equivalent to an admission of guilt in our professional opinion. And anyway, if he had denied it, it would have only served as damning evidence that he’s a hopeless addict spiralling out of control, unable to face up to reality of his situation. Dane DeDehaan? More like Dane DeLohaan. And that’s quality investigative journalism.