SPF-18 Review: Is this The Room of the Z Generation?

SPF Cover

According to SPF-18, real life “isn’t always like the movies…sometimes, it’s better”. Well, speaking solely in relation to this film, real life is always better – no matter how sad, boring, or depraved your existence may be, it is still superior to the events depicted in SPF-18. You could be getting stabbed in a gutter and still be enjoying yourself more than if you were sat at home watching this movie.

Named after a protective factor of sunscreen, SPF-18 is the 2018 debut feature from Los Angeles native and experimental artist Alex Israel. Set in Malibu at the height of summer, Israel’s film follows the trials and tribulations of four teenagers as they come to terms with the harsh reality of being absurdly attractive, talented, wealthy, and (mostly) white Americans.

SPF Cool Story Dude.png

A surfing instructor inappropriately touching a female student, causing her obvious distress.

Almost all of the action in SPF-18 takes place in and around Keanu Reeves’ house. No, not a house owned by a character played by Keanu Reeves. In the actual plot of the film, the lead’s dead father – a man who haunts the film from start to finish – used to be a surfing buddy of the professional actor Keanu Reeves, who cameos as himself in the film, and who also lends his beach-front house to the son of his deceased compadre. This boy’s name is Johnny – a nod to Keanu Reeves’ Johnny Utah from the popcorn classic Point Break.

SPF Why, Keanu.png

A selfie of Johnny standing next to Point Break actor and Dogstar bassist Keanu Reeves.

If you’re not confused yet, you will be. If you’re confused already, prepare to be more so. SPF-18 has such little plot that it’s barely worthy of a student short film, and yet this thing, this one hour and fifteen minute monstrosity, has somehow been written, produced, and released under the guidance of some of Hollywood’s brightest talents. But what is the story? What is SPF-18 about? Well, a lot of things. Life. Love. Creativity. Freedom. Spirituality. And partner-swapping with your cousin.

SPF Why Keanu Pt. 3

A promotional still for SPF-18 which gives us the privilege of being behind the scenes to witness one of the rejected shots for the selfie snap (see previous image) which eventually appears on another character’s phone in the film.

If, somehow, you fail to pick up on any of the film’s central themes through their sheer repetition in  practically every line of dialogue, then fret not. An unbelievably annoying and incessant narration delivered -inexplicably – by Goldie Hawn ensures that viewers don’t miss a thing. Goldie’s supremely condescending words of wisdom to the film’s protagonists, people to whom she has no apparent relation, materialise in almost every scene, unwanted and at random. From her opening monologue about the blurred lines of fiction and fantasy in Hollywood to her encouragement of an eighteen year old girl to cheat on the boyfriend who relieved her of her virginity less than 24 hours ago, Miss Hawn’s trite commentary is both unrelenting and unforgivable.

Three hundred words in, and we’re no closer to cracking the SPF-18 code. What is this film? Where is it? Why is it? Simply put. SPF-18 is an atrociously written, laughably amateur romantic comedy in which a group of adolescents go surfing, have sex, and generally live it up in Keanu Reeves’ luxury pad. It may be an act of poor judgement to recommend the film, but it’s honestly worth watching for the experience. Like the legendary so-bad-it’s-good The Room, SPF-18’s intrigue stems from the fact that nobody involved in the film appears to have had a clue what they were doing. Watching SPF-18, though, you’re more likely to cry than to laugh. For sanity’s sake, it is best viewed in the company of loved ones.

SPF Undressed by Tiger.png

Fun fact: SPF-18 has nine producers.

Perhaps you can make up a drinking game in which everyone takes a shot of cyanide whenever Johnny (Noah Centineo) mentions his dead father, who died in a surfing accident a year before the events of the film. Or, for that matter, whenever anyone else mentions the fact that his dead father died in a surfing accident. Like Goldie Hawn, for example; with shameless expository glee she tells us all about it the very first time we meet him: “Johnny probably shouldn’t be driving a motorcycle. He inherited it from his Dad, after the surfing accident. He hasn’t been in the water since”. Pretty helpful, in case you end up missing the dozens of references to his dead Dad later on.

SPF Showdown with Board That Killed His Dad.png

In an unbearably tense showdown, Johnny confronts the surf board that murdered his father.

Genuinely, his Dad dying in a surfing-related incident is mentioned on average at least twice per scene. At one point he finds a trophy in a garage inscribed with ‘#1 Dad’; all first time viewers of SPF-18 collectively report that they hallucinate the words ‘#1 Dead’ in its place, such is the emphasis placed on his dead father being dead. He’s fucking dead. He fucking died, all right? He’s no longer alive! His lungs are full of the Pacific!

Alongside Dead Dad Bingo, you could also play a game where you repeatedly punch yourself in the skull as hard as you can whenever anyone starts talking about sex. This is perhaps the most contentious aspect of the film – speaking as a Criminology graduate, the depiction of teen sexuality in SPF-18 is borderline illegal. Alex Israel, quoted in an article from C Magazine, says that the ‘virginity issue’ really resonated with children focus groups. The admission that he forcibly screened SPF-18 to minors should be enough to put him away for life.

Suspected Child Abuser Alex Israel

Alex Israel, criminal at large.

According to SPF-18, ear lobes are erogenous zones, Catholic sacraments are best performed in public while naked, and, when faced with a dilemma about whether to remain faithful or cheat on your partner, you should “follow your heart” and bang the fanatically religious homeless man you met on the beach yesterday. It’s like Charles Manson has written a film to indoctrinate new cult members.

Many of the most egregious moments in the film come courtesy of the pseudo-intellectual Camilla, the cousin of female lead Penny. In one especially painful monologue she begins by asking if anybody has heard of Icarus, before going on to outline the plot of a story which everyone on Earth above the age of ten knows. She does this in the most deliberately smug manner possible, assuming that we will be stunned by the profound parallels of this tragic hero’s tale with that of Johnny’s, whose return to surfing might upset his mother because, you know, his Dad died while surfing. At least this is what the Icarus moment seems to be ‘hinting’ at, anyway.

Then again, this might just be giving the film too much credit. Camilla (portrayed by Bianca A. Santos), also has a scene in which she shows a giggling Penny how to tie her hair back so it’s easier to…you know…in preparation for her cousin’s deflowering that evening. Tee fucking hee.

SPF Hit him with this one.png

Penny (Carson Meyer) learns a seduction technique from her biological cousin. 

Camilla may be the worst character by far, but there’s plenty of unintentional hilarity and Hall of Fame cringe to go around. It’s hard to remember them all, and even worse when you do, but it is the obligation of this former semi-professional film critic to try. Here are a selection of low-lights:

  • Molly Ringwald performing a cretinous impression of Dolly Parton.
  • Molly Ringwald asking if her daughter thinks “she’s a ten, or an eleven?”.
  • When teaching a girl to play the saxophone, a guy says “You blow, I’ll finger” – a possible reference to last year’s Alien Covenant and the infamous flute scene.
  • An animated lucid dream sequence in which a boy is smooched by a butterfly, which allows him to get over the traumatic death of his dead surfer father.
  • An extended debate about whether you have to accept the wave or impose your will upon it, which culminates in hip thrusting.
  • The real Pamela Anderson jogging on a beach and flirtatiously saying ‘Hi, boys’ to two main characters – well, her mouth doesn’t actually move, but it’s dubbed in.
  •  A smash cut to a pair of bare buttocks as a saxophone solo kicks in.
  • A Catholic baptism in the ocean, delivered by the person being baptised – that’s right, it’s a self-baptism (same scene as the buttocks mentioned above, by the way).
  • A direct reference to The Matrix, which stars SPF-18’s guest of honour, the now disgraced Keanu Reeves, during which the actor saying it almost cracks up.
  • The mirrored ghost-reflection of a guitar headstock due to incorrect lighting setup, which the filmmakers failed to edit out of the final cut.
  • A dozen other practical goofs and gaffs, including some of the greatest continuity errors ever committed to celluloid.

The litany of filmic abominations goes on and on, but you’re best off seeing them for yourself. On with with case against SPF-18, then.

SPF Ghost Guitar.png

‘Ghost Investigators Season 5: The Ghost Guitars of Malibu – Exposed!’

The screenplay for this film is a disgrace, not only to writers everywhere but to the species in general. Michael Berk, whose surname is most certainly the operative word in this situation, does not depict a single normal human interaction throughout the entire script. It’s as though he’s never been outside, having been locked in a padded cell for thirty years with only the endless re-runs of soft porn films for company, and has then been forced at gun point to write a full length screenplay about teenage beach bums. But then you check his IMDb page, and the pieces fall into place.

Alex Israel, a man who must have excellent family connections in the film business, provided the story for SPF-18, but Michael Berk was in sole charge of the writing. He was given this job on the strength of his previous credits, which are as follows: Soul Surfer, Baywatch, Baywatch Nights, Baywatch: White Thunder at Glacier Bay, and the 2017 ‘remake’ of Baywatch, called Baywatch, starring Dwayne’s ‘Rock Hard’ Johnson.

SPF Ear Orgasm.png

In this shockingly explicit scene, SPF-18’s Penny loses her ear lobe virginity.

As an example of how little sense the behaviour of the characters in SPF-18 makes, let’s delve into the emotional climax of the film. Spoilers ahead. Ye be warned.

Penny, who lost her virginity to Johnny less than 24 hours previously, breaks up with Johnny because Johnny is too conflicted about returning to a career in surfing in the wake (ahem) of his father’s death due to a surfing accident. Also, she’s wet for Ash, a country musician on the run from a tyrannical record producer in Nashville who’d been trying to turn him into a teeny bopper. Johnny apologises to Penny for being a ‘douche’ owing to his state of deep mourning, and agrees to a mutual breakup in which he and Penny remain friends.

Penny then appears at a remote sea-side cliff, where Ash is performing poorly dubbed country music to the wind, tells him that she and Johnny have broken up, kisses him on the lips, and, we are left to imagine, has sex with him. Right in view of a public beach. Meanwhile, Johnny is seduced by Camilla, Penny’s cousin, who had previously kissed Johnny after attempting to hypnotise him earlier in the film. After they’ve hooked up (a world record rebound in Johnny’s case, surely) Penny materialises once again, sans Ash, to beg them for help.

SPF Flattering Angles.png

A fine example of the flattering cinematography employed in SPF-18.

The problem is that she recorded a video of Ash performing a country music track on a Malibu boardwalk, and uploaded said video to YouTube, where it went viral instantaneously – this sort of thing happens all the time. Ash’s evil record producer, already furious at Ash’s legally punishable breach of contract, sees the video in Nashville and threatens Penny with a class action lawsuit. After consulting the copyright expert Molly Ringwald about the cease and desist, Penny entreats Johnny and Camilla to assist her in making a new video in which Ash explains the contract disagreement and plays an original song he’s written overnight.

They agree without hesitation or reservation. Johnny aids the cause by using his artistic skills to make a poster for Ash, the homeless refugee who used emotional blackmail to gain access to Keanu Reeves’ house (which Johnny is supposed to be looking after while Keanu shoots a movie in Morocco) and then in short order seduced and had intercourse with Johnny’s long term girlfriend, Penny. Camilla also does something to help I think, but who cares, she’s the worst. The video goes viral (again), the record company relents, and Ash performs at a sold-out concert in which he plays the only song he has written in his entire life.

And that’s as succinct a summary of events as it is possible to write, but if it’s not quite clear then please know it’s not the fault of this writer and entirely the fault of one Michael ‘Baywatch’ Berk (who, if certain anonymous sources are to be believed, enjoys viewing illegal incest pornography).

SPF Pamela.png

Baywatch babe turned animal activist Pamela Anderson shows off her ventriloquism skills.

For a £50 incentive, your humble Movie Quibbler could have written a better screenplay based upon the ‘story’ of SPF-18 in a single weekend. This is no boast. This is to drive home how awfully, monumentally shit this screenplay is. And it had three script supervisors. Three. Without exaggeration, it is the worst script to have achieved production and release since Tommy Wiseau’s infamous The Room in 2003. This is the pinnacle of fifteen years worth of bad writing.

It has lines like:

PENNY: I’m a virgin/ JOHNNY: Say what?!

and

MOLLY RINGWALD: What do you think I am? A ten? Or an eleven?

and

CAMILLA: I hope you’re not suggesting that I should feel bad for being myself .

and

CAMILLA: I’m ready to absorb some primal energy from the Earth’s core.

and

CAMILLA:  Someone call a doctor, because this house is sick!

and

ASH: I feel that way about songs. I find myself thinking, you know, “That song is more true than back when the thing I’m singing about actually happened”, you know?

and

GOLDIE: Penny Cooper thought she would be running off into the sunset with one guy, but ended up running off with another guy and a girl…and the first guy!

There’s no way to convey the visceral and inescapable horror created by the dialogue and narration in this film, let alone its delivery, without having you watch it for yourself. In fact, it is imperative that you do so. It will be the penance for all your sins. And, ultimately, it may be your salvation.

SPF Molly Ringwald.png

Molly Ringwald debasing herself on camera for cash.

Besides an appearance from Keanu Reeves that will mar his career up until his death and beyond, there are also the deeply upsetting cameo appearances of 80s cinema icons Molly Ringwald and Rosanna Arquette; both appear to be utterly spiritually bankrupt, and are certainly financially so, else they wouldn’t be appearing in this steaming sand-rolled shit of a movie.

The talent attached to this film has one wondering if there isn’t a more sinister backstory to its inception. What if Alex Israel is the only child of a deranged mafia boss based out of the Los Angeles area, and who will go to any length – including taking Keanu Reeves’ family hostage – in order to help fulfil the artistic pretensions of his socially handicapped, sexually deviant man-child son? That scenario is considerably more likely than Keanu’s manager reading the script and recommending that he take the role.

SPF Disco Ball.png

Keanu Reeves returns from Morocco only to discover a dirty protest in his living room.

It seems as though Alex Israel’s ruthless mobster of a father also sent his vicious, unhinged thugs to work over the execs at Sony and Universal music. How else could Alex possibly have afforded such a slew of incredible 80s ballads for such a small-release independent film?

Tough as it is to admit it, SPF-18’s soundtrack is 100% lit. Which makes the viewing experience all the stranger. Dodgy dubs, terrible lighting, continuous (and unintentional) shaky-cam, unflattering and embarrassing cinematography, and atrocious acting are all on display here – and all set to some of the most recognisable music of the decade which it tries so desperately to emulate. In that at least, it succeeds, blasting out non-stop bangers by Duran Duran, Fleetwood Mac, Spandau Ballet, The Buggles, and the Cocteau Twins. And they must have cost a fortune to use. Unless, of course, Alex Israel Senior had knives held to the throats of the copyright owners’ children.

SPF Icarus.png

“Hold up, is that sun screen rated SPF-18? Oh my God! That’s the name of the film!” – A Prick

SPF-18 does possess a certain youthful energy, copied wholesale from the 1980s brat-pack John Huges era. It is irrepressibly optimistic (a bad thing), willing you to believe – as do characters in the film – that anything is possible if you want it to be, even if you have a dead Dad or are ridiculously attractive and don’t know which of the two hunks you’d rather contract an STD from.

There’s not much more to say about the film at this stage. Besides, the entire review is redundant, because SPF-18 is truly one of those ‘see it to believe it’ cases. With zero reviews from professional publications at the time of writing, perhaps Movie Quibble will be the one to help it break onto the mainstream like the crashing waves which wash over the self-absorbed protagonists in SPF-18.

SPF Wavy Board.png

Lizard-Chameleon people: CONFIRMED. Somebody get Alex Jones on the phone.

One IMDb user praised the film for being so bad that it encouraged him to work harder as a filmmaker and complete his debut: “because it couldn’t be as bad as SPF-18”. Funny, yes, but wrong, because the comment carries the whiff of faint praise, which cannot be permitted for a film such as this. Watching SPF-18 is a form of self-harm. It is the nadir of the cinematic art. Make no mistake about it: this film is a hate crime, perpetrated not just against humanity but against all life on Earth. SPF-18 is available to stream now on iTunes and Netflix.

SPF Alex Imbecile

No, Alex. That’s literally the exact opposite of what superficiality is.

Thank you for reading, and here’s hoping for a cease and desist from Alex Israel’s production company in the near future.

NB: This trailer employs editing trickery to make it appear as though Johnny says “OK” when Penny reveals that she’s a virgin. In the film, his response is rather less composed: “Say whaaaat?!”

It was very important to bring this to your attention.

Have a nice day. Oh, and one more thing: Don’t forget your sunscreen! Or do, get cancer, and die so that you don’t have to watch this film.

 

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34 comments

  1. […] via SPF-18 Review: Is this The Room of the Z Generation? — Movie Quibble […]

  2. This review is EVERYTHING. A remedy for the sucidal feelings I’ve been having since watching this. I was thinking just what you wrote: this must be some kind of self harm. But I never saw this: “Meanwhile, Johnny is seduced by Camilla, Penny’s cousin, who had previously kissed Johnny after attempting to hypnotise him earlier in the film.” Did it mean I blacked out at some part of the movie? Maybe my brain was trying to protect itself?

  3. Also, I see you haven’t posted anything since this review. Did Alex dad get to you too!?

    1. Hi Sofia, and thank you for your kind words.

      I would have replied to this comment earlier, but I am currently on the run from the Israel Corporation and am without internet access for long periods at a time.

      Apparently, Alex Israel wants to ‘talk’, but I suspect that he may actually just kill me. Or worse, force me to write SPF-18 2.

  4. I am 35min into this film and I don’t know if I can finish it. So far it is honestly one of the worst written and edited movies I have ever seen. Just so damn painful to even witness.

    1. Did you finish it? I couldn’t do it in one sitting.

  5. I could not finish the movie but I’m glad I found it because it led me to this review. Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time 😀

    1. Thank you very much! I’m so glad to hear that you didn’t watch the whole thing. I only wish I could say the same.

  6. it was almost worth watching this trainwreck of a movie just so I could read this both wildly accurate and wonderfully humorous review.

  7. I have not laughed this hard in so long. I lost it at the Goldie Hawk part.

  8. This review is ON POINT. The music was amazing but everything else was trash. I can’t understand why Keanu would be a part of this! It boggles the mind.

  9. Oh thank god I found this review!!! I thought I was being punked while watching this train wreck!
    Thank you for reviving my soul, I kept questioning if I just really didn’t get ‘art’ or something, I actully can trust my instincts again after reading this, I may never get over the trauma of what I saw but I will never question my instincts again, thank you

  10. Thank you for this… haven’t laughed so much in a long time… and psychology it helped me make some sense from what I’ve just witnessed.

  11. I cant believe that i was able to finish this movie. Halfway already i was like “dawg what the f*ck???!!” This film is so strange and so… i cant even describe it!! Like weird af Im so glad i read this review.

  12. This is the best review I have ever read!!!!!!

    1. Thank you for saying so! I hope you have now recovered from the skin-blistering horrors of SPF-18.

  13. Thank you for writing the best review I have ever read in my life. Netflix recommended this, and sure, I like trash sometimes, but this I could not understand. Thanks for making sense of it all, from the bottom of my heart.

    1. Thank you, Annie! I hope you never have to witness a motion picture this awful ever again.

  14. This review makes the 32 minutes of the movie I’ve seen worthwhile. It is inexplicably terrible but your rundown is perfection. Thank you. Turning it off now though.

  15. I watched this movie tonight…that seems off. I watched this “movie” tonight (yes, that’s better)- and I thought I finally had a mental breakdown. I found myself laughing hysterically while scrunching my face in a tight curious look while telling the following: “BUT WHY!? WHAT IS THIS AND WHY AM I WATCHING IT!?”
    I immediately took a shower feeling like I’d been assaulted somehow, and crawled into bed in a daze.
    I hopped online and typed “but why was Keanu in SPF-18?” And came across this article.
    Brilliantly written, I found myself laughing in a non-put me in a straight jacket and throw away the key-sort of way.

    Seriously well done. But for real though…What does this guy have on all of these actors?
    And what was that nod Keanu and Pamela Anderson did to each other at the end of the film?!

    Forever Haunted (like johnny was by his dad who died in a surging accident),

    Amanda

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Amanda. I know it couldn’t have been easy. But us fellow SPF-18 survivors have to stick together – it’s the only way we can ever hope to live normal life. You are spot on when you state you felt as though you had been ‘assaulted’. This ‘movie’ is literally a violent crime, intentionally designed to inflict psychological and physical harm upon its viewers. The criminal mastermind Alex Israel must be put to a stop!

      Forever sunburned (because I now have a lifelong fear of sunscreen),

      Tom

  16. I just want to say… This movie review is better than the movie itself. I literally paused the movie just to read it, you almost made all the torment I felt while watching it fade away.
    Btw I want to highlight your hilarious but surprisingly accurate image captions, it was genius.

    1. Thank you, I really appreciate that! Although I sincerely hope you did not finish watching the movie after reading my review? If you did, well, I wouldn’t be surprised it you were unable to reply to this comment due to your being in an SPF-18 induced catatonic state.

  17. “It’s as though he’s never been outside, having been locked in a padded cell for thirty years with only the endless re-runs of soft porn films for company, and has then been forced at gun point to write a full length screenplay about teenage beach bums.”

    Perfect analysis.

    Thank you. Reading this review was like applying aloe vera onto my sunburnt SPF-18 exposed soul.

  18. At the risk of this sounding like praise, SPF 18 was worth watching (okay, the first 20 minutes were all I could handle) just so I could read this review! So funny. A review gem!

  19. Priscilla · · Reply

    Found this review trying to comprehend how come Keanu Reaves was on this? This “movie” was very weird, I completely understand why people would google it after watching, it just leaves you questioning live.
    So glad I found your review as it revived me, and made me laugh enough to recover from the past hour and fifteen minutes.

  20. I think the movie wasn’t meant to be watched so seriously/literally; have you seen … “Damsels in Distress” or “Francis Ha” (both with Greta Gerwig)? I found it was very much delivered in the same tongue-in-cheek method. Perhaps, “Grand Budapest Hotel” is also similar in that “fantasy”-prone style.

    1. Hi Andjela. Or should I say Alex (Israel)?

      I have indeed seen those films, and their utterance alongside SPF-18 must be some kind of sick joke on your part.

      Have you seen “Cannibal Holocaust”, “Martyrs”, or “Limb Cutter vs Hannibal: The Silence of the Limbs”? With the twisted sense of humour you demonstrated in the comment above, I’m sure you’d enjoy these films immensely.

      1. Andjela Tatarovic · · Reply

        Am not the director, thank you. I don’t like violence; but oh it pains me to have violently slandered your absolutely high esteem as respectable movie watcher of breath-taking 21st century teenage cinematography.

        😛 Ok jokes aside; why do you write as if it was meant to be a serious movie?!! Why does everyone have so many issues with it not making any absolute sense? Does EVERYTHING have to make sense? Life doesn’t – and this movie is an example of how to take a deep breath, step out of your life for a tiny second, and just not give a damn!!

        1. I mean, this is a satirical blog. You don’t seriously think I believe that getting stabbed in the jugular or intentionally getting cancer is preferable to watching SPF-18? But it is a shitty film, and the comments section here and the rating on IMDb accurately reflect that.

  21. I’m ignoring the fact that someone in the comments compared this to the Grand Budapest Hotel to say that this is the most accurate review I’ve ever read and I am relieved to find a group of people that hate SPF-18 as much as I do.
    I have never witnessed such terrible dialogue in my life – a particular gem being this:
    Producer: KIDS DONT LIKE SAXAPHONES
    Ash: ……
    Producer: …….
    Ash:……
    (Hard cut to new scene)
    The editing makes me think that they were drunk while putting it together (and while watching it back. and probably while it was being filmed too). The dialogue is offensive. And there is no concept of time?? Does it take place over 2 days? 2 months? I hate this film so much?
    We watched this while on a train on holiday for 3hrs. We still almost didn’t finish it. It then became a running joke for the rest of the holiday.

    1. Kids LOVE saxophones! Has he not heard of BadBadNotGood? How out of touch can these music producers get?!

      Thanks for your kind comment, and I am very glad that you made this film an object of recurrent ridicule throughout your holiday – and, hopefully, beyond!

  22. I found this review when there’s a Keanu voiceover early in the movie and had to google it to be sure. I’m so glad I read it before the Ash ‘singing’ on the boardwalk scene- that way I could prepare for that, and the rest of the movie, with a bottle of wine.

    It also seemed like more screen time was spent on transitional shots of CA with great music than actual story. Play to your strengths, I guess.

    Camilla is just the worst. When she was crying (the next morning? This is around when I stopped watching so idk) after trying to jump a sleeping Johnny, she goes to a guy she met literally twice to determine if she’s a serious person. If that’s your solution, the question has already answered itself.

    Thanks for sharing!

  23. This is the best and most accurate review of this film out there.

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